Life can be tough. When bad things happen, we don’t know where to turn or what to do next. And while other people can help us at times like these, the truth is that often the best help comes from within ourselves.
I learned this while in therapy , For a while I had been consumed once I learned about my dads diagnosis . There were days were literally I had to be pushed out of bed by my roommate, Its almost as if the diagnosis was that of my own. .and that I had given up on my fathers battle …. but i now realize that the battle is just beginning .
I’ve now accepted that accepting a diagnosis , isnt admitting any defeat. Its knowing, and preparing and fighting it . I now know that there is hope no matter how bad the situation is. And only God knows whats in store for all us and that he has a reason behind everything that he does . …all I can do is be there for my dad and encourage him to fight off the dragon . and hope that he slays it in the end ..
just like the song sais, terrifed of the dark i dont need a pill to make me numb… but i am numb… 7 months . After speaking to my brother on the phone . thats how Much i know my father has , of course according to medical science. theres always the fight that he puts up . Although I know . my father is a very strong man , I know he’ll fight till his last breath, , . . right now i just feel lost and numb .
I wonder whats going to happen within those seven months and pray for a miracle .
YOU CAN DO THE MATH A THOUSAND WAY S . BUT YOU CANT ERASE THE MATH A THOUSAND BUT YOU CAN T ERASE THE FACT THAT OTHERS COME AND GO BUT YOU ALWAYS COME BACK …. AND JUST LIKE THE CHANGES OF THE SEASONS I KNOW YOU LL BE BACK AGAIN….
“I woke up this morning from a dream that we were lying in bed together on a lazy summer morning. The blinds were half drawn, with daylight pouring through, projecting lines on your body as your cell phone rang. You answered to talk to your mom and you pretended you were alone while I buried my face in your shoulder and watched you come up with a lie as to why you were still in bed at 2 in the afternoon. I could practically smell your skin and feel the warmth of your body against mine, that is, until I woke up and you weren’t there beside me. Seeing that empty space and lonely pillow served as a crude reminder that you were gone.
I know we don’t talk anymore, but it’s late at night and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because there’s that slight chance I might dream about you again, as if having to think about you all day isn’t already enough. In a few hours, I’ll wake up, shower, make coffee, and go to works knowing that when I finish work, you won’t be waiting for me at my apartment to ask me how my day went. Instead, I’ll get home to my empty place and make dinner alone, all the while knowing that the only person I want to tell about my day is the only person I can’t talk to.
I’ve been a complete mess since you left, as much as I like to tell myself that that isn’t true. A literal wreckage of self-pity and heartache not include everything else that’s bad in my life since you left . that I wasn’t even aware I was capable of feeling until I was alone . Since you’ve left, I’ve tried as much as I can to take down things of yours or things that reminded me of you. Consequently, my place is now littered with piles of miscellaneous things constantly reminding me that even though you’re gone, I’ll never be able to erase you from my mind. I confess that sometimes I still take your pillow out of my closet for comfort, hoping maybe I’ll catch the slightest bit of your scent, and remember what it was like to have you here.
In the time that you’ve been gone, I’ve reluctantly started the process of getting on with my life without you in it. Awkwardly filling the gaps you once occupied with new hobbies, old friends, shitty movies, and writing about you more than I’d care to admit. Despite all of my efforts to start a clean slate and wipe you out of my mind entirely, I keep thinking that with enough time, you’ll change your mind. That you’ll realize you made a mistake. That you want me back. That you want to find happiness with me and be “us” again. That you still love me like you did. I keep thinking that you’ll simply change your mind and you’ll show up on my doorstep, realizing what you’ve been missing.
But I don’t want you to change your mind, I want you to make up your mind. I want you to make up your mind that it is me, that it’ll always be me. That I wasn’t naive for loving you so deeply and believing you when you said “always & forever” to me. I want you to make up your mind that while, yes, there are hundreds or thousands or even millions of guys that you could be with who might be better suited for you or make you happier than I did, that I’ll always be the only one that you love. I want you to make up your mind that the person who makes you happiest and makes your life feel worth living is me.
But I don’t know when or if that will happen, or if I even truly want that to happen, and that’s the hardest part about all of this. The possibility that the love of your life may just simply not be me, and that who I thought was the love of my life, might just not be you.
Until I figure that out, I’ll go through each and every day putting one foot in front of the other while working hard to convince everyone that I am fine knowing that you’re somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. I will try my best to put you out of my mind and “keep on keeping on”, like you told me to do. That is, until my phone vibrates.Or until” thank you” BY alaniss morrisette comes on Or until I have to go to sleep. And until I fall apart again, like I tend to do, and have to find a way to cope… without you.”
Im not arguing , Im just explaining why im right !... 