Thought

Age .. emotions the turning point

As I get older my emotions get the best of me and everything is like spinning

3Am … tip of the iceberg …

Its 3;17 in the morning ..  im here laying in bed .. tossing and turning. Restlessly ..im watching orange is the new black as well .. I can hear my dogs snore grow louder and louder by the minute ..they sound so cute actually.

My pomeranians they both snore heavily .. but besides all this im up… restless unable to go to sleep at all … I feel like I can get easily get on my bike and do my 20 miles. Right about now ..

But im up because im thinking of how the men ive tried talking to are essentially .._________.I ve been placed in the “friendship zone ” 3 times now all within the same week …

They all started the same .. we talk ..we meet …everythings going fine & were all into each other for a while then they start ignoring you literally….Not
answering me or taking, Hours to reply a “yes” or a ” cool” ..   two of them said the “im not over my ex ” speach which simlpy means ..i didnt rock the boat a.k.a. im not cute enough for them…and yet there they are online searching love chat dating sites ….and the other just asked if we could be fuck buddies … im not into that at all…they all could have just said “im not that into you ” & yet here I am knowing that they are fine and well happily asleep …and they don`t care. ..

So to 3 am I raise my glass of merlot I had to pop open for a night like this … and toast to 3am and my wonderful dating life …

Ill try to remain hopeful and optimistic …
Amongst all the madness …

Jist wish this night would end ..

GLITTER IN THE AIR, FRIENDSHIPS, EMOTIONS, LONELINESS, and thank yous .

Last night while out on the town again, on one of my fabulous nigthlife excursions ..

A sense of belonging came over me. I dont know why but it just diD. Usually I have always thrived being alone without anyone . But as stood at the tin room all alonE.Surrounded by a crowd of people I felt very alone .

I began to notice something . After going out alone so many times I just realized that the one thing  missing from my life is a group of friends. Yes you know a group of friends like the group on friends the tv show. The ones you know will be there for you  when you just wanna go out and hangout and leave the rest of your problems behind.The ones that will call you Just to see how you are and and actually want to know and friends just that just want to seek you out.

I realized that when it comes to the majority of the “friends” I have im usually the one seeking them out to get together. Go out and do stuff . After soul searching I only have two friend and thats Marian AND Jacob the rest of them that I had I  had to Give  them up for the sake of my relationship. *When your in love you do stupid shit* For some unknown reason my  ex never seemed to be able to get along with any of my friends. There was many arguments  when my friends would come over. Yet I was always able to get along with his.. In fact I became very close to them. They all quit talking to me once we splitup at that point I didnt have anyone left . .Yet  I gave  up my friends  for someone who i thought was going to be apart of my life forever . And Now im paying the price of my mistakes. And just cant seem to bring myself to allow myself into a ” group” of friends.  Jacob was one relationship that I was able to recover after the messup that was my ex Edmundo . Im thankful for his friendship, its been a 12 year friendship with JACOB . love him . And thank you to Marian , youve alway s been there for me . LOVE YA

1st pic me and jacob , 2nd middle pic me and Marian , 3RD ME and edmundo , edmundos the one with the glasses ..

Now I sit here wondering why am I feeling lonely . Im happy and content with my life but just want to fill it up a bit more . I just wish someone would genuinely care about me even just as a friend  . I believe I am a good person and ive always been outward and outspoken , But why am I having such a hard time connecting with people in general?

19. CLOUD NINE .we all want love but….

 

So ,thiS is about a “ date” from last night , awkward one , that I had  , don’t know how to feel about it so decided to do what I do best , and write about .

Ok so we all have apps on our telephone for dating, don’t judge me. Still searching for Mr right, well this is the story about “Andrew” and my awkward “ date” , date used loosely .  Andrew is a guy that I have been talking to on and off for a brief week. We had had good conversations over the phone, thought that he could be possibly someone that I might like and might be more with. You know that feeling.

Well anyway s we finally had the opportunity to hangout last night , We met for drinks at applebees at around 1000 pm last night , which was ok I never put pressure on a date or label a date a date , its usually just hanging out to me .  But anyways,  a little about him hes 19, a corrections officer.  I had put him off and never met him just because of the age difference , I Know they say age is just a number, not entirely true. There are differences.  One thing I have noticed is the immaturity levels for example when a couple with a 10 year difference or something like that that  usually after a breakup the oldest one in the relationship always takes longer to move on while the younger one is usually quick and moving on fast to the next one… Im fine where I am at my age, but sometimes younger folks just want to move to fast .And that was exactly the issue with him, I Could see stars in his eyes as he was talking to me , In the back of mind im thinking “hes one of those” I can like a a guy but wont give in unless I know him first. And just becuase i  say i like you dont read to much into it . I  like getting to know the person and not rush in at all into anything . IvE DONE that before and its gotten me nowhere good and it usually ends quick and horribly. AS you cane see by my previous many posts .

 

Why does everyone have to move into and label everything ? why not just get know to the real person . I wish I could find someone who could devote time to me in this aspect and not expect anything from it . I know we are all searching for love and want love but why not let things happen naturally ?  we may say we don’t but in the end what are we living for ? were humans and as humans we all want to be loved .

Today Ive already felt like a broke his heart  he was texting me the usual . so whatd you think ? feel anything ? I did for you, so he told me .  It scares me when people want something so fast . I finally had to tell him ok we can be friends and get to know each other , but just realize that just because I like you doesn’t mean anything or that it may lead to anything . Then he just totally got pissed and the messages changed in tone , in terms of his responses to me . Oh well who knows what will happen with this one , guess another one bites the dust .

Was I too harsh with him ? or what other thing could I said , Im ready for a relationship , but just don’t want to rush anything and make bad choices again . How do I explain this to people , without sounding like a douche ?

The Beginning of an Addiction, or: My First Adult Bike

 

Approximately  several years ago when the lance Armstrong scandals came to light I became interested in buying my own adult bike again , I ve always had a secret desire to be a  biker since I can remember its always been something that has interested  me .I just never got around to it .  I remember my summer living abroad in Paris France , My first time seeing  anything to do with the bicycling universe It was the riders  from the tour de France that inspired me many years ago to get into the sport . It was an amazing feeling being able to see all those riders riding along the Champs Elysees  coming in to finish up the tour . It’s a feeling that Ill never forget .  The rush and thrill as they pedal as fast as can be past you is amazing . I wanted to experience that for myself .

So, when the scandal came about I Began to remember and wonder what would become of me if I was to get into the sport .  So I purchased my first bike ,  since college , I hadn’t been on a bike since college in 1998 , im old * .  I ordered a  schwinn mens hybrid bike online with a instore pickup  .. Just simple because I eventually want to do Mountain  biking as well .  I wanted to get into as well , because well im tired of the gym .. I wanted to do more bonding with  nature. And the benefits of it are all good . there is nothing negative about riding a bike .

Its been an experience since day one , It took me about 45 minutes just to get into the car in the first place, I didn’t think of all the logistics of the operation ( usual me ) lol .. but after 45 minutes struggling and my cursing * to get into the car , I finally called one of my bestfriends  and he told me about the “ quick release” mechanism on the bike , life savior , AND yes im that inexperienced when it comes to biking never even knew bikes had that . Let alone , gears .. I found that out in the first ride , will get to that part soon .Everthing that I have learned so far has been through trial and error and because of what I have watched on youtube .  Learning on a trial basis .

So after getting the bike into the car went home , of course I played around with it , Adjusted the seat , and everything maintenance wise . My first ride was at Fisch Creek Linear park in arling , I did a 10 mile bike ride .

 

During the bike ride I felt awesome!. The wind , being out with nature, IT didn’t feel like I was working out at all . I was really physically enjoying it.  it was 10 miles that took me one hour but it was a great feeling . And the burn I felt after I had been working out for ever and never felt as tired and satisfied as I did with biking …. According to my little application I burned off way more then my usual at the gym . I plan to do a combo of gym and bicycling as a part of my fitness routine from now on.

 

Lessons learned from first bike ride

1 . if you fall get up and get on again.

2. don’t be afraid of your bike .

3. know your bodys limitations .

4. invest in biking clothing , * schafing sucks * and those gym shorts are like a parachute that slows ya down .

5 . set a riding goal .. I did 10 miles on my first and ive been adding another mile after each bike ride. The beuty of biking is youdont feel it .

I don’t know where things will go from biking but I hope for the best ,  I See Different areas of the sport and those that interest me are Track Racing and Mountain biking , Ive always been a natural competitor , I see several races/marathons  in my future as well . but baby steps as I say . All in due time . For I know itll be a very important part of my life .

 

 

im single by choice :-)

 

I ve been asked this question alot lately , All my friends are always , like your such a good guy with a good heart ! ,  & please stop setting me up . seriously …. Why are you Single .

So heres your answer. Im  single for many reasons .

 

1.   Single becuase my gaurd is up, I can spot a flake a mile away and wont give into just anything .

 

2. MY  Expectations are high .  I want some one who is , HAPPY , has their life together .  happy emotionally , physically and spiritually … what you see in public isnt the reality of what is behind closed doors.

3.  Dont want to get hurt again . as you  can see from my many posts all my dating experiences with other men have not gone so well ..

I still keep at it and hope that hes out there .. Mr Right .. H e exists somewhere .

4. baggage.  They say the past makes the future but then their are those that hold on the past and cant move on from it . some people  just

cant let go . I always get the gay guys that have alot of baggage and issues .

5. I refuse to just dive into thing s right away . I want someone who will be friends with me and get to know each other from the beginning ive always believed that a good relationship starts with a good friendship .  and a part of the diving in part , would be my last date .. example ;; I went out with this guy only spoke with him two times over the phone went out with him twice; the second date with in a  week of talking to me he sais , I love you . i Was stunned, I would never allow myself to fall that quick for anyone .. need less to say  my response to his I LOVE YOU  was , ” oh look pizzas here ” I LOVE PIZZA. yeah .. of course i quit talking to him after that one .. just cant dive into abyss without knowing you .

6. People dont value relationship .. A relationship is work , You have to devote time and patience and energy to that person . some times it can be overwhelming. If its overwhelming then why would i want to be with you?

 

That is why I choose to remain to single; , I refuse to give in . but I do know one day that everything will fall into placeand that he is out there for me .

So I continue my search and kiss frogs hoping my prince will show up one day .