Why isnt there always an answer ? Somethings nobody knows .

 

 

Recently I’ve been feeling so disconnected from everyone, as if i am on another page. I am a pretty social person,always the life of the party .confident. smart,  I know Im not ugly, and I have a family to come home to at night Well my dogs , lol  I consider them family  but I’ve been feeling so depressed and lonely for some reason  I cant come up with an answer ..
I’ve recently figured out myself that  I cant trust anyone in this world except for your family .
I  know that having a well established relationship with someone helps alot in times like these were I feel like the worlds against me because I’ve had a  Boyfriend before but  I  just dont have any motivation at all anymore to even bother with one right now.

When I go on “dates” its like hes here and im always ways over there  in another world. I like the people who i meet but the connection itself hasnt been strong enough, I just dont know if its me or them ? . I cant seem to connect anyof them . Is it that ive been so jaded that keeping to myself is a selfpreservation thing ? or what ?? How can it be this hard when love is what I want the most .

 

Iim losing my self confidence, self esteem, and i feel a little depressed because everything was really good at one point were even if I didnt have a guy i can always be a little happy with  Who  I am ,

I  am so confused about life its driving me insane..

Caught Up .

Have you caught up in what you cannot see?
Well, if you give me respect
Then you’ll know what to expect.Little .

Expect out of me what you put in

I can only give of myself as much as you do .

Suicidal thoughts.A past hidden .

It’s hard to put into words how I feel an have done for the last several years because I don’t completly understand it all myself my head is  confused. Feelings of the past have invaded me ..Not to the point where I was back in high school..

Ive shared a lot about myself through this blog a lot about my feelings and emotions.But I find myself searching and struggling through my emotions. .Why am I so emotional ?

Todays blog is a story that ive hidden out of shame and it has comeback to me like an explosion that invades me . The reason being for this flashback is I just spent the last hour over the phone talking with a friend back home ..Who just lost his job.Hes 40 three kids and just lost his job and recently divorced last year ..I guess you can say he lost grip on reality ..After an hour of listening im exhausted and spent .I ended up calling 911for him .. and had him picked up .. Im now know hes ok and was checked in …to the psych unit

I cant say I blame him .. weve all lost touch with reality. And when shit piles up its like a wall of bricks being stacked that eventually will fall over and come crushing down ..

My sucide attempt was back in high school ..freshman year  I had tucked it away and buried it inside of me.

I took the easy route I remember it like it was yesterday ..I had gotten home and was watching tv and after a whole day of being teased in school ..yea because I was gay …I never told anyone but people would spit inmy face as I was walking through hallways I was bullied heavily ..im glad its now an issue thats being looked into .. But back to my attempt * ill make it short * I just swallowed a whole bunch of pills hoping I would die .. But nope its not that easy.
I just kept on taking aleve till I coukdnt swallow . I remember going back to my room then just sitting down like nothing had happened … I remember starting to throw up uncontrolably after that . It was so bad my mother heard me and came running in . I was rushed to the er..all I still to this day cant remember the ambulance ride all I remember is waking up under the er room lights .. and thus begins the pumping of the stomach .The next time I woke up in my room ..Confused not knowing where I was . After that of course I was xferred to psych unit and spent three weeks then I did outpatient therapy ..I ts taken me a while to get to the point where I am in my life right now ..

Im now happy and content with things in my life ..regret that day in my life but wouldnt change it for anything ,so it amazes me that people dont value life..I was shocked that he would turn to me at a time like this ..but to any one out there struggling .There is hope and a future ahead… life should be valued, cherished and not taken for granted..No matter what obstacles you may have there is always a better route.

Sidenote 😉  not suicidal now if you know me .just relating my story to try to help someone out there. And this is something no one knows about ,guess not anymore .. if you need someone message me ..

I want to fall in love with someone who will…

Ever ask yourself that question ? I want to fall in love with someone who will________♡♥ ..Some would say its a silly question, but its a question with a lot of logic .I only asked this just because of a phone call I received last night … My one and only ex edmundo, it was a normal conversation ..Nothing out of the ordinary ..
How are you ?
How are the dogs, my dogies are the only good remnant from that relationship ..I can finally say im over him .3years later lol

I ended the conversation with this one simple question. Whats my favorite color ? Answer being green . 
He just laughed and said goodnight &  end of conversation.

That was our breakup question ..Yup well of course a lot if things leading up to it ..But I remember asking him and he didnt know ..He didnt even know my birthday .after five years being together .When I knew everything about him  from his blood type down to the first day we meet , what he was wearing .everything and he didnt know that one simple thing.

That was the night I dumped him ..after the call  I began to think of the type of person I would like to be with .. I thought to my self ..im not about them I want to love the person inside .. but
I also want some one who will
.Remember my birthday
Some one who will just hold me and not say anything
Some one who will know what my favorite color is “green”!
Someone who will make me laugh or laugh with me ..
Someone who will remember the weird eye thing I do when lie .. “I suck at lies”
Someone who will remember that I don’t like fish at all ..the smell of any fish makes me gag I dont even allow it in the house .
Someone who knows that my favorite food is tacos ( prefer that over a steakhouse im easy to please & cheap) lol

Someone who will remember that I can’t stand Kesha .*something about her voice

Someone who will remember that my favorite ice cream is butter pecan

Someone who will remember that I do sometimes snort when I laugh.

Someone wholl rember that im weird enough that I don’t like to mix foods ..weird but its just me..

Those are little things that a person should know about the person they are with..In other words my whole point to the thing .. Know who you are with ..inside and out .
And to all of you in crappy relationships
Ask him /her. Whats your favorite color ..if they dont know you may need to rethink the relationship ..

10 months no sex ..I have my reasons ..

Yes ..thats right ! Going on 10 months no sex right now.no oral no nothing   For many reasons ill talk about each of them individually ..

The less people you fuck with the better ..I found that the less people you deal with in your life the less stress you put your self through.

When it comes to the whole friends with benefits thing..emotions just get in the way . Whether its you or them emotions just creep up out of the blue , were only human .The need to be loved can sometimes be confused with lust ..

Conversations and the the things people say ..as demonstrated in the following video conversations like these can really mess up a dudes vibe ..id rather just not deal with people like those..think of me as the dude in the video .  Even though im gay most gay men are basically females with a penis .. further to elaboraye they mean one thing when they say a whole another thing.  And supposed to read between the lines dont think so .. just comeover if you mean it really

Next would be well.. .in the past sex has been easy to comebuy .. I was never really satisfied with the people that I was having sex with.. in other words I was hooking up with the wrong people ..if it wasn`t me it was them.There was always something.  ..
Example – he smoked his breath of nothing but tar ..
Example- he had a weird mole
Example- he didnt get hard
Example-I didn`t get hard
Yes many excuses can be made up as to why a one nighter went bad.  Im no angel ive had my fair share already ..ive always felt shitty after them, not good.  

Further on .. I went through a very depressing period in my life after my father died I guess you can say i was tired or whatever.

So the final reason Well self feelings afterwards .. I thought to myself .. These men who literally came and raveged my body didnt deserve me at all..And I deserve better then this .So with this said . Yes im waiting for my love and will wait till he comes ..ill give it my best shot to recleanse myself..But im human who knows when ill finally give in or if I do .

They are just children…

 

The issue has been hot in the news lately and It just breaks my heart when I read the nasty comments that some people have left behind on the issue. Yes it probably shouldn’t be our issue but in the end if you can help a child why would you turn your back on a poor defenseless little child. These parents that  sent them here aren’t evil .. They sent them here with the hopes of better future. We can’t judge them harshly for this . We aren’t in the same situation as they are . I don’t see how parents are doing this. It takes alot of need and courage to send your child away alone.  I may not have a kid but I have dogs and I can’t even imagine them getting lost out there alone. These kids are lost alone, scared,hungry and im sure trusting those coyotes that don’t care about anything but themselves and the money they bring in .

A solace disregard for these children wont do anything . Why are we not doing anything about this ? all i hear Is our homeless. our vets our problem.  Love and help out as much as you can people . If you can help help in anyway. I volunteer at  a nursing home and also a childrens cancer center.

Im not better for this , Im just doing my little part.

Why cant you ?

 

Augustine.. the french connection ,hiv & the social stigma

It was the summer of 1999.. I was 18 fresh out of high school, ready for college . I had the privellage of getting to go on a summer abroad program and live in Paris, France .It was the best experience of my life,& one thatl never forget .. When I turn 80 & im old and wrinkled Il always have a tale or two tell about that summer in Paris .

The reason im writing about it was because im slightly confused.Why out if the blue after 10 years somebody from that trip would write to me is unbelievable to me .Facebook brings out the past and reveals everything .

His name is. Augustine. I was 18 at the time he was 28 at the time . We met on bastille day on the seine river .. I was at one ofthe partys celebrating bastille day .. He just came up to me while I was dancing with a group of friends and it all went from there .. We danced all night until morning then headed for breakfeast …I thought I wouldnt see him again ever after that … He then surprised me the same day he waited for me at my school at the sorbonne with a rose in hand …I melted . As he leaned to present ibsaid jokingly “what are you doing” and all he replied “making sure you know the real paris ” ..From that day we saw each other every day ..He showef me many things around Paris that I know I wouldnt. Have seen otherwise ..I got to meet and have dinner with him and his family ..increidible amazing people. . When you meet a group of people have you guys ever felt a connection like you knew them already somehow ?  …

We kept on on dating and seeing each other..week after week we got closer to each other .But there was something weird about us three weeks and nothing more then a pec on the cheek..I kept wondering in the back of my head why this guy wouldnt move onto anything else … with me ..

Well finally in a cab ride home to my dorm .I finally asked him why .. I remember all he did is look and down ..ignored the question ..Then he was quite for the rest of the night . On that same cab ride before I got out of the car he finally leans in for the kiss. It was beautiful .. he then stoped me as proceeded to try go further with him, he sprung it on me .”im hiv positive “. I remember I just looked at him and said ok .. I have condoms & dont care about your status…lol yes while in the cab still lol…we got outa the cab and continued kissing ..its paris you can get away with anything… I dont know why but he insisted on stoping.. After that I just said ok and kissed him goodnight. And told him ” ill see you tomorrow” 

The next day I called him over and over and got no response..ill never understand why … Im not one to be judgemental never have been never will be ..I myself as being hiv negative dont see those that are hiv positive or the fact those that have any std as not dateable …its all about being educated and knowing ways to protect yourself. I see good in everyone and give everyone a chance .. Just wish augustine would have answered …Dont know if it was fear of me rejecting him and not accepting that made him not answer the calls I made after his reveal to me.But I wish he had answered.

To all the people out there suffering with any std There is hope .. good people our out there and for the negative status people dont judge ..until you know all the facts ..Educate and protect yourself ..

As for Augustine I did replty and he said he would be in dallas and wanted to meetup Even now once again I didnt get a reply ..and think my friend request on fb was ignored ;-(  Guess ill never know what his hesitation is.  Men .

tolerance, ignorance.

This will be a short simple dedication to the person who left the nasty comment on my blog, .ThANK You .

All I have to say is that I thought things like skin color,race, orientation didnt exist anymore, But apparently I was wrong .. It amazes me that people like you .still exist.. Your point of view is medievel , and im entitled to mine as well as you are yours.. I respect yours as you should mine ..

To everyone out there reading this , Its the 21st Century, Skin, race, age, gender just simple doesn’t matter learn to love the person inside. LOVE THE HUMAN. not the shell .

 

Spread love people .

Sit on your front porch !

So its tuesday night … here I sit alone , again..nothing but the noises of my dogs play fighting . Today was trying I feel stressed overworked .. generally unsatisfied but thankful..

View from my front porch …

Thats me ..tired sunburned and peeling ..lol

My day started off with a usual routine I got up, showered got dressed loaded my bike into the car and , went to work like most normal people . Other than my normal the only thing I did was have lunch with my friend Lucy at royal chopstix .

.its become a weekly ritual for me ..and yes I always order the same thing ..  orange chicken and steamed rice.

After my long what felt eternal shift I went out and did a few miles on my favorite trail ..then I came home ..

Stressed and alone I just put chicken in the oven to bake …so I then made a mimosa ..andre, mangoes and oj … love them
Im now here sitting on my porch

I dont know why but I began to think about my future and the things im thankful for …
Thoughts came pouring in …

    *above is screenshot from google earth view of my house *back home …

1St what I want is a house ..owning land and establishing yourself on this earth is something we all want ..I dont want a mansion or a big fancy house. Im a simple person and have learned , that things dont hold value and they dont make your life..I want maybe a three bedroom house , not to big or to small just right .. like the house I grew up in .. a house with a big back yard for my dogies to grow old and play around on ..a nice big kitchen .. with an island !   I love cooking ..when I picture my future I picture myself entertaining my friends and family I LOVE COOKING .. To me making a satisfying meal that I created for someone and watching them enjoy it is amazing to me …next … a big front porch with a rocking swing .   Thatl be where hopefully me and my future husband will watch many sunsets together , enjoying our mimosas of course … Finally last request would be a big garage … one that we would fill with our bikes, camping gear, kayaks everything else ! My future husband who is stiil out there must love nature like me …

2Nd I want kids .. I wanna be able to if not adopt or do a suragate mom or some thing..I want a family unit..If its aboy I want to be able to show him to throw a ball or how punch ! Jaja .. if its a girl of course shed be spoiled ..with many many priness tea partys and everything in between.ive gone also looking for other single gay dads …figured thats the easy route. ..and plus I want stability ..

I want. My  house to be made into a home ..a home filled with love and many memories …

Im thankful for ..

Geting the oportunity to move to texas I have the careerI want and love my job … of course there are those other days.Moving to texas was one of the best things ever for me ..I learned to grow up .. of course i miss my family I miss seing my nieces and nephews grow up ..but im thankful when I do see them …when I moved in 2005 I was a different person ..I used to think there wasnt a god .. and cared nothing more then about myself ..now I see light , im happy.. My relationship with god is stronger then ever now Ive now changed amd love life ..im now know that im not meant to just party .. I want quite movie nights and bingo nights with friends .. funny how things change..

2Nd im thankful for my relationship that once was .. with edmundo It was a good 5 yrs ..I learned a lot about myself and how strong I am .. although we lost each other ..Im glad it happened .. now I will wait for my next love …hopefully the last in my life ..I may not have a partner now and want nothing more then to be in love but I want things to happen naturally.. ill sit here waiting for him..I know hes out there .

In terms of my future ..I m not sure about it  but nothings ever writen in stone and the future can always be changed…