Why aren`t experiences and perception universal .Why are they coloured with our past .
He said I love you ..Am I supposed to just let it go now that hes no longer cranked out on whatever he was on …
Maybe I was just hooked on the idea of finally being with someone again .Now that the fire has been put out .How do I still forgive him and look past everything that he has done, and still remain friends ???When really I just want to scream at him .. I m sure ill be told the usual your nice “but” …
That moment when you realize you have to let go of someone .yet theyl jus t move on and not even bother to look at or think about me.
Yet I know was there for him in his time of need,& ill just end up alone at square zero again. What to do .
Here I sit wondering .Thinking about so many things that are racing through my head .Realizing how everything that has happened , could have been prevented.
From the men Ive let in .To so much more . Im so much better and deserve better then any of this .I feel myself breaking and like my skin Is peeling off.Im disapointed in me .But yet I know im an overcomer and will survive.
So I just went out with a group of friends….Everything was fine. Had a really nice time .But. I got home around 2it was an average night .. I get home fall asleep …the phone rings ..
Conversation was as follows …meanwhile im groggy and still half assed asleep ..
Me -where are you
Him- babe im at midtowne spa
Me -mmmmmm..your calling me to tell me this because ?
Him-I love you ..
Me-youve ignored my calls and text for three days.
Him-im fd up I need you
Me -what did you take ?
Him-extacy, ice coke and everything
Me -call a taxi
At this point im enraged ..and hang up on him….This is supposed to be someone im interested in and that I thought I waa getting to know ..
He rings me again
I answer
Him -I love i love you
****then he starts balling crying over the phone at this point I new he was really messed up ****
All im thinking is why me ! This has happened to me twice already. Same situation…DIFFERENT GUYS
So me being the good hearted man that I am …end up telling him .Ill pick you up ..so at 4 am there i am in front of midtowne spa waiting …for my individual….he walks to the car bearly ….hes that messed up ..He even tries t o kiss me …
***mind you midtowne spa is a sex club *** so here it is 4 am now …I drove him from dallas to garland ….he did n othing but cry all the way home. …I just turned up the music the whole time …and he sat there apologizing to me blaming it on his mental illnes * same as the other one* im thinking really bitch your 29 & shou ld have self control….I got more and more enraged the last one I took care of him still afyer all this …this one I just dropped him off at home and called it a day ..
Now getting to why I wrote this …Why do I always attract men with issues .??
Ive taken care of every single type of gay man with issues …The one who was a whore, the crackhead, the selfish insecure one , the asswhole who did nothing but workout to make himself look better,the asswhole because he had money and felt like he could treat everyone like he wNted because of his money , the vein one ..Every type ..Ive had them. AND Im dumn enough to have still ” stayed ” with them.
Why can’t I just meet a normal healthy mentally and spiritual person .
I always get the broken ones that need fixed .
I cant be the fixer anymore its getting to me. .
I know perfect amd normal doesnt exist but wow ..a boy can only take so much …And yes all these bitches I took care of in the end didnt even thank me .We arent even friends ….single life sucks and dating is the pitts. ..but im still hopeful theres a descent person out there for me.
Maybe it’s because it is Valentines Day Weekend , Or the rainy weather that we seem to be having. But lately I have felt so lonely. Like Im fine when I am with people but alone it is a whole another different story. I’m happy for the most part but still craving my so called love, My ever after . I feel completely Isolated and lonely. I can’t explain it . Like I Just crave any human affection .I wonder if it is simply becuase of my manybad dating experiences. They have all ended in disaster. I have almost completely given up ever finding anyone out there. It seems I attract nothing but bad, either trashy , or there s just anything to go any further. Some have been nice, There just wasn’t enough. Maybe it is me or my expectations are probably to high.
Right now what I do wish I had is a group of friends . That
I can just hangout with and call on when I am lonely. I have found a few and that circle is slowly growing. It seems in gay culture it isn’t ok to be emotional or just be friends without sleeping with each other .
I seem to look for a reason in everything as you can see, Im a thinker and over analyze everything. I find it hard to deal with my loneliness. As I have gotten older my emotions seem to get the best of me. Today I just want to scream and cry and I can’t. Why has this feeling of loneliness invaded.
So JARRID S , struck me down. I can’t say I didn’t expect it from my last post. but Just caught me off gaurd, hes the individual that I met off grindr in my last post. Yes the one I gave everything to , I got hooked on him really fast. for whatever reason I just let myself go , and still tried to Believe that he was into me . The whole thing just amazed me and left me stunned as to how cruel dating games and men in general can be, not just to specify gay men . But It just seems so hearltess and cruel.. Or maybe I just don’t know how to date. With this one I was even dumb enough to buy him roses for him thinking that he would somehow finally want to establish something .
Well I mentioned spina bifida because that s why the sex with him was so awkward, The fact a man can’t cum somehow doesn’t seem logical. but I was willing to accept it. and try to go from there. I was willing to accept that he would never be available to me becuase of his job as a gm for a funeral company . I was wanting to accept all issues, When youre in love thats what you do you accept them and all issues. And I know I was becuase I was so hooked and fascinated by him even though I knew nothing of him . Even though I new from the start that this probably wasn’t to amount to anything . . . But over the weekend it all came crashing down .
He hadn’t been texting frequently hardly at all to me, So I knew something was up. This weekend he was in louisiana, I didn’t recieve a response till I finally messaged ” are you ignoring me ” all i got was a blunt Im busy im in louisianna, So that same saturday I bought flowers. Figured it was time to let him know hey I care more about then as just a friend. But didnt think it would backfire on me in so many way s. No thank you no nothing, It seemed as if he didn’t care at all .
And I was right , I texted him on sunday ” did you make it home safe” and yes that’ts when he finally replied yeah > and the breakup text.,..the you are a friend text.
It just amazed me that someone with so many issues like he has would not want something . yet he claims he was already seeing someone else, He was so cruel,hurtful, apparently I was not even dating him according to him and that he only thought of me as friend always .Even After I yelled out on text I love you , he just saw me as a crazy person . .. I cried my heart out for a few days. but I learned alot from Jarrid S in the short time I knew him . I will go on and Keep on dating . Im not going to allow one man to bring me down. Im worth so much more and one day I will find love.
but it amazes me that people are so cruel. When it comes to dating , how can you not feel anything for anyone ? Am I supposed to kiss and have sex with no feelings behind them ? I can’t do that . I’m just not built that way . I guess I was just a fling for him all along, Yet I fell into his pretty eyes and beautiful smile , and got the FUcked up end of the deal.. Well dating dilemas. Will always be there, but how do I get to know someone without feeling anything ? or are gay men really this cruel… Or im just siting her wondering what I did wrong, Or am I really just not good enough, for a relationship .But either way Ill just do what I do best and move on .
So as you all know ive always shared everything with you guys , well anyone out there who’s reading this .
But heres an update on mylife ,, My year long wait is over , I hadn’t been putting out as you all know for a while now , yEAH I KNOW Hoping : famed mr right was out there somewhere . But that didn’t happen. I guess you can say I caved in to temptation or just lost hope , one or the other . I know im only a man , and men are never perfection . Perfection is obsulete.. Or well misrepresented. Well this story is rather graphic about my first account , and how all i felt was awkward . Yes thats what I said Awkward . not satisfied, just awkward .
I met this guy using grindr ..
I had gotten bored one night and redownloaded it . for those of you not in the loop of what it is grindr is a location based app, you download load a profile on it and upload a picture and a little brief ” ABOUT ME ” Section .. So yeah I had been on the app before , but evertime I meet someone off it , It would be a disaster… Grndr is a famous ” HOOKUP ” site, it takes away any human connection it’s usually people flashing nothing but their junk in your inbox . I spend half the night blocking and deleting peoples pics..Leads me to really believe that ” good ” honest caring men aren’t out there. I think im becoming more jaded as I get older .. But people always have proven it for me ..
but still keep the of there is someone out there for me either way
Well back to my story anywho , Meet this guy he seemed really cute, I messaged him which is something out of the ordinary for me . I usually always wait for anyone to initiate contact. …But I couldn’t resist it . He was so cute, YES not showing his picture.
for (names of thoses involved ) ” andrew” _my favorite white boy name.. WELL he seemed perfectly charming and classy , which is hard to find. We went to this nice restaurant Had an awesome conversation
and we seemed to really hit if off together, I felt like I was talking to my long lost bestfriend it was that instant , and those who have read my blog in the past know how gaurded and distant I can be. I know in the past I’ve lost good men that wanted to be with me because of my own selfish insecurities * ive pushed them away * . But I fell into his gaze instantly , I had never felt that before or in a long long time, with anyone. It felt so good . And I wanted to once just believe it.. So to cut a story short ..dinnee , no drinks we were actually sober, no alcohol .. somehow I allowed myself to end up at his place,” he said movies ” as we were supposedly driving to starbucks . But yeah , I don’t want to get to graphic with all the details but before I knew it , my dick was in his mouth it felt good but after when I got home I satup all night thinking ” alonso what did you do ” it just felt .awkward to me Ive never had that feeling after sex,.. We then finished our deed we hugged and kissed and I left. So we talked for several weeks and saw each other several times then after weeks of talking and surprisingly those next times we meet nothing happened sexually ,, we meet for dinner then more movies several times …. then till a bout a month after talking ” we meet again then I Went over and serviced him . duh orally . Oral is all we have done…still saving myself “sortof”
Everything was fine afterwards , bu then I noticed the changes in him .. he stopped talking to me less and less.. the usual ” im not into you signs” then one day I noticed this fucker blocked me on the app we meet .. So i assumed we were over, but he continued talking to me afterwards like nothing happened , I confronted him and he flat out lied to me and said he hadn’t , He even seemed more interested in me again .. thinking maybe he deleted it and wanted something more serious; But of course , Me and my fault finding skills never let up . so I deleted the app again reinstalled it again .. and low and behold I was right , he was there, on the app still active .but we madeup after the confrontation , and all seems Well..
Deep down . I already can feel like it’s going to have an end . Even though I offered to open things up and told him flat out that If we did do a relationship I didn’t mind an open one …. I didn’t think we were there , or anything for that matter anyways…* you know me , don’t believe in labels* just respect and honesty .. I get the ” i like you ” story for now . from him.
But Have you guys ever felt like if it feels like there is going to be an end why do you start something ???? Truth Is I know I know im ignorant and probably know my answer ,but it seems that we want what we can’t have . Or a part of me is just wanting to keep the hope alive. But DONT WANT pretend.. Im all about honesty .. If you wanna be with me then tell me everyhthing . If you are only wanting to fuck me then tell me right off the back . If you are wanting to screw around with others Im fine , just dont play head games.. Why is that so hard for men to understand ???
so eitherway answer to my problem lies in grindr , Back to the grind I say its a like a addiction but in a way it’s also the solution.. iN THE Midst of all this , I started talking to another whom Im hopefully meeting this weekend. He seems really put together. ( i cant put all my eggs in one baskeT ) and dont know if the other one is just confused or unsure of what he really wants but well see how things go with the new friend. OTHER one for now is there but at a distance. 😉 , always shaking it off and moving forward . .letting go is something Ive learned to do very fast ,,,just like my girl taylor sais ” shake it off ” lol right
I still pray that my mr right is out there .
anyways tips and comments good bad whatevers appreciated
Ya casi ha pasado un año desde que te fuistes ..hay muncho que quisiera decirte ..
Primero que nada espero y estes bien disfrutando de tu nueva vida .Se que eres uno de los angeles que me a quidado de mucho mal..Te extraño mucho y hay mucho en mi corazòn y pecho dentro de mi que te quisiera decir .He pensado mucho en ti y ha veces me pregunto , si hise lo sufficiente .
No hay dia que hayga pasado que no pienso en ti .Cada vez que pienso en es como si fuera ayer ..el sentimiento y el dolor es el mismo .
Mis hermanos piensan que ni pienso en ti pero me acuerdo de ti y todos los dias ..hay algo que me dice que todavia estas entre nososotros mirandonos y cuidandonos.
Me acuerdo cuando mi hermano me dio la noticia de lo que tenias cancer .. El mundo sevme vino abajo .No hubo dia despues de ese instante que no estuvieras en mi pensamiento a todo momento .. pero claro nunca demuestro lo que soy y siento por dentro .Ya sabes como soy.
Se que te hice mal en la vida ..pero se que tu me perdonaste al igual que yo te he perdonado ..Me acuerdo como lloraste como niño cuando fui en mayo y me despide de ti ..hayi en ese instante supe que me amabas hal igual que yo a ti..llore todo el camino .Halgo dentro de mi sabia que seria la ultima vez que te miraria sano …..
Ahora eres quien mas admiro en la vida y quien mas quiero igualar.
Mire como amastes a mi mama ..Es el tipo de amor que yo quiero como el de mis padres , mire como tratabas a la gente como a pesar te admiraba todo mundo .Te precoraban por el tipo de hombre que eras , mire como nos sacastes adelante a mi y a mis hermanos apesar de estar como estabas. Mire como a pesar de todo me aceptaste como lo que era mas que el hijo gay tuyo . Eso es el tipo de hombre. Que quiero ser .Como tu papi.
Siempre fui “el rebelde”..Nunca le dije a nadie me vine a tejas por sentirme fracasado y por
cobarde por no verte sufrir..Un sentimiemto que todavia siento ..La misma razon que no me deja regresar para Kansas..Aun aunque aun estoy bien aqui tengo trabajo y me mantengo solo .Y en fin soy feliz .y ya se que no soy un fracazo.
Y si preguntas porque no he regresado , es porque no quiero entrar y no verte hay sentado en tu silla de ruedas esperando me. Es algo que no se como lo vaya tomar .Se que en fin lo tendre que hacer pero hay aver cuando dios me daralas fuerzas.
En fin papi perdoname si no fui el hijo que esperabas se que todavia tengo muncho que crecer..Te amo y se que nos volveremos a ver otra vez…estoy triste porque ya no estas pero ya era demasiado sufrimiento .se que ahora eres feliz .
I LOVE YOU Daddy donde quiera que estes.
1. Its not you its me , , means you just weren’t hot enough to rock their boat
2. I need to focus on my career ,, Means they have a new crush at work they are working on .
3. I’m not over my past relationship . .. means your really not their type and they are waiting for the better option still .
4. I need time to focus on me ,, means you were to clingy and they want to be a whore .
5. We are just not at the same level ,, Means they want someone who has a better job,car, makes more money , aka SUGAR DADDY/MAMA
6. I’m not ready for something like this right now. Means, You weren’t at the level of hotness they expected when they saw ya naked .
7. I think we’d be better as friends , means you suck in bed probably .
8.You should be with someone who can treat you the way you deserve. Means they are selfish and just plain don’t want to make an effort , * This is a nicer way of saying I’m not that into you ”
9 .I don’t deserve you . . . you’re too good for me, means you are probably boring and predictable . (change it up! )
10. I need space, Mean you were to needy , In other words they couldn’t take your 500 text messages a day anymore.
So if these lines were used on ya , now you know what they really mean ! JAJA 😉
You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them. I know myself well enough..
I’ll walk with my head down trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you .The fact being you are not a good person. All you will ever be,in comparison to me is nothing . I’m a lot stronger then most people would dare to think . . Those you underestimate are the ones whom you should be looking out for.
Karma will take care of everything . Here I am again washed up and ranting about the same thing again there you were with the same old line on the same ” I’m sorry” You painted me a pretty picture that I so ignorantly believed. Maybe because I’m so young and ignorant . Always believing in love and happiness. Once again thank you to all for proving to me .
Im not sure if this is me or is it you ? Why do most men in general treat dating a like chess game. And I’m the queen your trying to checkmate? Yet I always fall back in to the game waiting on your next move . I might be young at heart . Don’t men care about the feelings of another ? or is it just people are insensitive period.
And for the sake of not getting hurt I didn’t let you start a fire because of this reason . Now I am shinning bright without you . I might have cried for a day or two but that’s all you get . To moving on and the dating game that is chess.
john doe being aka anyone Ive ever dated or ” gotten to know” . Men in my life.
So this subject has been hot in the news here in Texas at least . Due to Texas passing possibly passing a new law that would require establishments to have a designated place for nursing moms to breast feed.
Well heres Lonzy s opinion .
Only talking about this also becuase I was at Applebees and a breastfeeding mom was asked by an employee to go to the bathroom and breastfeed the child . I went to Applebees , then all the sudden next to us a couple of tables down there was this woman breastfeeding her child; I only noticed because things were getting heated I saw a manager go up to her and ask her to go elsewhere to breast feed. Now I’m not a female of course but I don’t have an issue with this . My only issue with this one was yes the mom wasn’t even covering up like literally just letting the baby grip on to her like nada and no cover over the feeding baby .. That was my issue , although I love the female body and all it’s glory I just didn’t appreciate being able to see the baby actually clamping onto the nipple , and the actual exposed nipple . . Maybe straight guys might have a different opinion ..I don’t have an issue with this breast feeding at all but to all feeding moms . Cover it up .
Yes I agree that we are all adults , and that baby has to eat , But really do all the other children at the establishment need to see your nipple ? Why I think not . It’s just a common courtesy . Breast feeding is ok and of course theres nothing wrong with it . Just cover it up and put something like a baby blanket or something on ya . And if you do have a problem with any form of breast feeding then maybe your the one with the issue. Its a natural beautiful thing but their is a proper way of doing things.
If we all thought my way then maybe we might be able to get along 😉
Im not arguing , Im just explaining why im right !... 