So I just went out with a group of friends….Everything was fine. Had a really nice time .But. I got home around 2it was an average night .. I get home fall asleep …the phone rings ..
Conversation was as follows …meanwhile im groggy and still half assed asleep ..
Me -where are you
Him- babe im at midtowne spa
Me -mmmmmm..your calling me to tell me this because ?
Him-I love you ..
Me-youve ignored my calls and text for three days.
Him-im fd up I need you
Me -what did you take ?
Him-extacy, ice coke and everything
Me -call a taxi
At this point im enraged ..and hang up on him….This is supposed to be someone im interested in and that I thought I waa getting to know ..
He rings me again
I answer
Him -I love i love you
****then he starts balling crying over the phone at this point I new he was really messed up ****
All im thinking is why me ! This has happened to me twice already. Same situation…DIFFERENT GUYS
So me being the good hearted man that I am …end up telling him .Ill pick you up ..so at 4 am there i am in front of midtowne spa waiting …for my individual….he walks to the car bearly ….hes that messed up ..He even tries t o kiss me …
***mind you midtowne spa is a sex club *** so here it is 4 am now …I drove him from dallas to garland ….he did n othing but cry all the way home. …I just turned up the music the whole time …and he sat there apologizing to me blaming it on his mental illnes * same as the other one* im thinking really bitch your 29 & shou ld have self control….I got more and more enraged the last one I took care of him still afyer all this …this one I just dropped him off at home and called it a day ..
Now getting to why I wrote this …Why do I always attract men with issues .??
Ive taken care of every single type of gay man with issues …The one who was a whore, the crackhead, the selfish insecure one , the asswhole who did nothing but workout to make himself look better,the asswhole because he had money and felt like he could treat everyone like he wNted because of his money , the vein one ..Every type ..Ive had them. AND Im dumn enough to have still ” stayed ” with them.
Why can’t I just meet a normal healthy mentally and spiritual person .
I always get the broken ones that need fixed .
I cant be the fixer anymore its getting to me. .
I know perfect amd normal doesnt exist but wow ..a boy can only take so much …And yes all these bitches I took care of in the end didnt even thank me .We arent even friends ….single life sucks and dating is the pitts. ..but im still hopeful theres a descent person out there for me.
So JARRID S , struck me down. I can’t say I didn’t expect it from my last post. but Just caught me off gaurd, hes the individual that I met off grindr in my last post. Yes the one I gave everything to , I got hooked on him really fast. for whatever reason I just let myself go , and still tried to Believe that he was into me . The whole thing just amazed me and left me stunned as to how cruel dating games and men in general can be, not just to specify gay men . But It just seems so hearltess and cruel.. Or maybe I just don’t know how to date. With this one I was even dumb enough to buy him roses for him thinking that he would somehow finally want to establish something .
Well I mentioned spina bifida because that s why the sex with him was so awkward, The fact a man can’t cum somehow doesn’t seem logical. but I was willing to accept it. and try to go from there. I was willing to accept that he would never be available to me becuase of his job as a gm for a funeral company . I was wanting to accept all issues, When youre in love thats what you do you accept them and all issues. And I know I was becuase I was so hooked and fascinated by him even though I knew nothing of him . Even though I new from the start that this probably wasn’t to amount to anything . . . But over the weekend it all came crashing down .
He hadn’t been texting frequently hardly at all to me, So I knew something was up. This weekend he was in louisiana, I didn’t recieve a response till I finally messaged ” are you ignoring me ” all i got was a blunt Im busy im in louisianna, So that same saturday I bought flowers. Figured it was time to let him know hey I care more about then as just a friend. But didnt think it would backfire on me in so many way s. No thank you no nothing, It seemed as if he didn’t care at all .
And I was right , I texted him on sunday ” did you make it home safe” and yes that’ts when he finally replied yeah > and the breakup text.,..the you are a friend text.
It just amazed me that someone with so many issues like he has would not want something . yet he claims he was already seeing someone else, He was so cruel,hurtful, apparently I was not even dating him according to him and that he only thought of me as friend always .Even After I yelled out on text I love you , he just saw me as a crazy person . .. I cried my heart out for a few days. but I learned alot from Jarrid S in the short time I knew him . I will go on and Keep on dating . Im not going to allow one man to bring me down. Im worth so much more and one day I will find love.
but it amazes me that people are so cruel. When it comes to dating , how can you not feel anything for anyone ? Am I supposed to kiss and have sex with no feelings behind them ? I can’t do that . I’m just not built that way . I guess I was just a fling for him all along, Yet I fell into his pretty eyes and beautiful smile , and got the FUcked up end of the deal.. Well dating dilemas. Will always be there, but how do I get to know someone without feeling anything ? or are gay men really this cruel… Or im just siting her wondering what I did wrong, Or am I really just not good enough, for a relationship .But either way Ill just do what I do best and move on .
So as you all know ive always shared everything with you guys , well anyone out there who’s reading this .
But heres an update on mylife ,, My year long wait is over , I hadn’t been putting out as you all know for a while now , yEAH I KNOW Hoping : famed mr right was out there somewhere . But that didn’t happen. I guess you can say I caved in to temptation or just lost hope , one or the other . I know im only a man , and men are never perfection . Perfection is obsulete.. Or well misrepresented. Well this story is rather graphic about my first account , and how all i felt was awkward . Yes thats what I said Awkward . not satisfied, just awkward .
I met this guy using grindr ..
I had gotten bored one night and redownloaded it . for those of you not in the loop of what it is grindr is a location based app, you download load a profile on it and upload a picture and a little brief ” ABOUT ME ” Section .. So yeah I had been on the app before , but evertime I meet someone off it , It would be a disaster… Grndr is a famous ” HOOKUP ” site, it takes away any human connection it’s usually people flashing nothing but their junk in your inbox . I spend half the night blocking and deleting peoples pics..Leads me to really believe that ” good ” honest caring men aren’t out there. I think im becoming more jaded as I get older .. But people always have proven it for me ..
but still keep the of there is someone out there for me either way
Well back to my story anywho , Meet this guy he seemed really cute, I messaged him which is something out of the ordinary for me . I usually always wait for anyone to initiate contact. …But I couldn’t resist it . He was so cute, YES not showing his picture.
for (names of thoses involved ) ” andrew” _my favorite white boy name.. WELL he seemed perfectly charming and classy , which is hard to find. We went to this nice restaurant Had an awesome conversation
and we seemed to really hit if off together, I felt like I was talking to my long lost bestfriend it was that instant , and those who have read my blog in the past know how gaurded and distant I can be. I know in the past I’ve lost good men that wanted to be with me because of my own selfish insecurities * ive pushed them away * . But I fell into his gaze instantly , I had never felt that before or in a long long time, with anyone. It felt so good . And I wanted to once just believe it.. So to cut a story short ..dinnee , no drinks we were actually sober, no alcohol .. somehow I allowed myself to end up at his place,” he said movies ” as we were supposedly driving to starbucks . But yeah , I don’t want to get to graphic with all the details but before I knew it , my dick was in his mouth it felt good but after when I got home I satup all night thinking ” alonso what did you do ” it just felt .awkward to me Ive never had that feeling after sex,.. We then finished our deed we hugged and kissed and I left. So we talked for several weeks and saw each other several times then after weeks of talking and surprisingly those next times we meet nothing happened sexually ,, we meet for dinner then more movies several times …. then till a bout a month after talking ” we meet again then I Went over and serviced him . duh orally . Oral is all we have done…still saving myself “sortof”
Everything was fine afterwards , bu then I noticed the changes in him .. he stopped talking to me less and less.. the usual ” im not into you signs” then one day I noticed this fucker blocked me on the app we meet .. So i assumed we were over, but he continued talking to me afterwards like nothing happened , I confronted him and he flat out lied to me and said he hadn’t , He even seemed more interested in me again .. thinking maybe he deleted it and wanted something more serious; But of course , Me and my fault finding skills never let up . so I deleted the app again reinstalled it again .. and low and behold I was right , he was there, on the app still active .but we madeup after the confrontation , and all seems Well..
Deep down . I already can feel like it’s going to have an end . Even though I offered to open things up and told him flat out that If we did do a relationship I didn’t mind an open one …. I didn’t think we were there , or anything for that matter anyways…* you know me , don’t believe in labels* just respect and honesty .. I get the ” i like you ” story for now . from him.
But Have you guys ever felt like if it feels like there is going to be an end why do you start something ???? Truth Is I know I know im ignorant and probably know my answer ,but it seems that we want what we can’t have . Or a part of me is just wanting to keep the hope alive. But DONT WANT pretend.. Im all about honesty .. If you wanna be with me then tell me everyhthing . If you are only wanting to fuck me then tell me right off the back . If you are wanting to screw around with others Im fine , just dont play head games.. Why is that so hard for men to understand ???
so eitherway answer to my problem lies in grindr , Back to the grind I say its a like a addiction but in a way it’s also the solution.. iN THE Midst of all this , I started talking to another whom Im hopefully meeting this weekend. He seems really put together. ( i cant put all my eggs in one baskeT ) and dont know if the other one is just confused or unsure of what he really wants but well see how things go with the new friend. OTHER one for now is there but at a distance. 😉 , always shaking it off and moving forward . .letting go is something Ive learned to do very fast ,,,just like my girl taylor sais ” shake it off ” lol right
I still pray that my mr right is out there .
anyways tips and comments good bad whatevers appreciated
1. Its not you its me , , means you just weren’t hot enough to rock their boat
2. I need to focus on my career ,, Means they have a new crush at work they are working on .
3. I’m not over my past relationship . .. means your really not their type and they are waiting for the better option still .
4. I need time to focus on me ,, means you were to clingy and they want to be a whore .
5. We are just not at the same level ,, Means they want someone who has a better job,car, makes more money , aka SUGAR DADDY/MAMA
6. I’m not ready for something like this right now. Means, You weren’t at the level of hotness they expected when they saw ya naked .
7. I think we’d be better as friends , means you suck in bed probably .
8.You should be with someone who can treat you the way you deserve. Means they are selfish and just plain don’t want to make an effort , * This is a nicer way of saying I’m not that into you ”
9 .I don’t deserve you . . . you’re too good for me, means you are probably boring and predictable . (change it up! )
10. I need space, Mean you were to needy , In other words they couldn’t take your 500 text messages a day anymore.
So if these lines were used on ya , now you know what they really mean ! JAJA 😉
It was the summer of 1999.. I was 18 fresh out of high school, ready for college . I had the privellage of getting to go on a summer abroad program and live in Paris, France .It was the best experience of my life,& one thatl never forget .. When I turn 80 & im old and wrinkled Il always have a tale or two tell about that summer in Paris .
The reason im writing about it was because im slightly confused.Why out if the blue after 10 years somebody from that trip would write to me is unbelievable to me .Facebook brings out the past and reveals everything .
His name is. Augustine. I was 18 at the time he was 28 at the time . We met on bastille day on the seine river .. I was at one ofthe partys celebrating bastille day .. He just came up to me while I was dancing with a group of friends and it all went from there .. We danced all night until morning then headed for breakfeast …I thought I wouldnt see him again ever after that … He then surprised me the same day he waited for me at my school at the sorbonne with a rose in hand …I melted . As he leaned to present ibsaid jokingly “what are you doing” and all he replied “making sure you know the real paris ” ..From that day we saw each other every day ..He showef me many things around Paris that I know I wouldnt. Have seen otherwise ..I got to meet and have dinner with him and his family ..increidible amazing people. . When you meet a group of people have you guys ever felt a connection like you knew them already somehow ? …
We kept on on dating and seeing each other..week after week we got closer to each other .But there was something weird about us three weeks and nothing more then a pec on the cheek..I kept wondering in the back of my head why this guy wouldnt move onto anything else … with me ..
Well finally in a cab ride home to my dorm .I finally asked him why .. I remember all he did is look and down ..ignored the question ..Then he was quite for the rest of the night . On that same cab ride before I got out of the car he finally leans in for the kiss. It was beautiful .. he then stoped me as proceeded to try go further with him, he sprung it on me .”im hiv positive “. I remember I just looked at him and said ok .. I have condoms & dont care about your status…lol yes while in the cab still lol…we got outa the cab and continued kissing ..its paris you can get away with anything… I dont know why but he insisted on stoping.. After that I just said ok and kissed him goodnight. And told him ” ill see you tomorrow”
The next day I called him over and over and got no response..ill never understand why … Im not one to be judgemental never have been never will be ..I myself as being hiv negative dont see those that are hiv positive or the fact those that have any std as not dateable …its all about being educated and knowing ways to protect yourself. I see good in everyone and give everyone a chance .. Just wish augustine would have answered …Dont know if it was fear of me rejecting him and not accepting that made him not answer the calls I made after his reveal to me.But I wish he had answered.
To all the people out there suffering with any std There is hope .. good people our out there and for the negative status people dont judge ..until you know all the facts ..Educate and protect yourself ..
As for Augustine I did replty and he said he would be in dallas and wanted to meetup Even now once again I didnt get a reply ..and think my friend request on fb was ignored ;-( Guess ill never know what his hesitation is. Men .
So its tuesday night … here I sit alone , again..nothing but the noises of my dogs play fighting . Today was trying I feel stressed overworked .. generally unsatisfied but thankful..
View from my front porch …
Thats me ..tired sunburned and peeling ..lol
My day started off with a usual routine I got up, showered got dressed loaded my bike into the car and , went to work like most normal people . Other than my normal the only thing I did was have lunch with my friend Lucy at royal chopstix .
.its become a weekly ritual for me ..and yes I always order the same thing .. orange chicken and steamed rice.
After my long what felt eternal shift I went out and did a few miles on my favorite trail ..then I came home ..
Stressed and alone I just put chicken in the oven to bake …so I then made a mimosa ..andre, mangoes and oj … love them
Im now here sitting on my porch
I dont know why but I began to think about my future and the things im thankful for …
Thoughts came pouring in …
*above is screenshot from google earth view of my house *back home …
1St what I want is a house ..owning land and establishing yourself on this earth is something we all want ..I dont want a mansion or a big fancy house. Im a simple person and have learned , that things dont hold value and they dont make your life..I want maybe a three bedroom house , not to big or to small just right .. like the house I grew up in .. a house with a big back yard for my dogies to grow old and play around on ..a nice big kitchen .. with an island ! I love cooking ..when I picture my future I picture myself entertaining my friends and family I LOVE COOKING .. To me making a satisfying meal that I created for someone and watching them enjoy it is amazing to me …next … a big front porch with a rocking swing . Thatl be where hopefully me and my future husband will watch many sunsets together , enjoying our mimosas of course … Finally last request would be a big garage … one that we would fill with our bikes, camping gear, kayaks everything else ! My future husband who is stiil out there must love nature like me …
2Nd I want kids .. I wanna be able to if not adopt or do a suragate mom or some thing..I want a family unit..If its aboy I want to be able to show him to throw a ball or how punch ! Jaja .. if its a girl of course shed be spoiled ..with many many priness tea partys and everything in between.ive gone also looking for other single gay dads …figured thats the easy route. ..and plus I want stability ..
I want. My house to be made into a home ..a home filled with love and many memories …
Im thankful for ..
Geting the oportunity to move to texas I have the careerI want and love my job … of course there are those other days.Moving to texas was one of the best things ever for me ..I learned to grow up .. of course i miss my family I miss seing my nieces and nephews grow up ..but im thankful when I do see them …when I moved in 2005 I was a different person ..I used to think there wasnt a god .. and cared nothing more then about myself ..now I see light , im happy.. My relationship with god is stronger then ever now Ive now changed amd love life ..im now know that im not meant to just party .. I want quite movie nights and bingo nights with friends .. funny how things change..
2Nd im thankful for my relationship that once was .. with edmundo It was a good 5 yrs ..I learned a lot about myself and how strong I am .. although we lost each other ..Im glad it happened .. now I will wait for my next love …hopefully the last in my life ..I may not have a partner now and want nothing more then to be in love but I want things to happen naturally.. ill sit here waiting for him..I know hes out there .
In terms of my future ..I m not sure about it but nothings ever writen in stone and the future can always be changed…
“I woke up this morning from a dream that we were lying in bed together on a lazy summer morning. The blinds were half drawn, with daylight pouring through, projecting lines on your body as your cell phone rang. You answered to talk to your mom and you pretended you were alone while I buried my face in your shoulder and watched you come up with a lie as to why you were still in bed at 2 in the afternoon. I could practically smell your skin and feel the warmth of your body against mine, that is, until I woke up and you weren’t there beside me. Seeing that empty space and lonely pillow served as a crude reminder that you were gone.
I know we don’t talk anymore, but it’s late at night and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because there’s that slight chance I might dream about you again, as if having to think about you all day isn’t already enough. In a few hours, I’ll wake up, shower, make coffee, and go to works knowing that when I finish work, you won’t be waiting for me at my apartment to ask me how my day went. Instead, I’ll get home to my empty place and make dinner alone, all the while knowing that the only person I want to tell about my day is the only person I can’t talk to.
I’ve been a complete mess since you left, as much as I like to tell myself that that isn’t true. A literal wreckage of self-pity and heartache not include everything else that’s bad in my life since you left . that I wasn’t even aware I was capable of feeling until I was alone . Since you’ve left, I’ve tried as much as I can to take down things of yours or things that reminded me of you. Consequently, my place is now littered with piles of miscellaneous things constantly reminding me that even though you’re gone, I’ll never be able to erase you from my mind. I confess that sometimes I still take your pillow out of my closet for comfort, hoping maybe I’ll catch the slightest bit of your scent, and remember what it was like to have you here.
In the time that you’ve been gone, I’ve reluctantly started the process of getting on with my life without you in it. Awkwardly filling the gaps you once occupied with new hobbies, old friends, shitty movies, and writing about you more than I’d care to admit. Despite all of my efforts to start a clean slate and wipe you out of my mind entirely, I keep thinking that with enough time, you’ll change your mind. That you’ll realize you made a mistake. That you want me back. That you want to find happiness with me and be “us” again. That you still love me like you did. I keep thinking that you’ll simply change your mind and you’ll show up on my doorstep, realizing what you’ve been missing.
But I don’t want you to change your mind, I want you to make up your mind. I want you to make up your mind that it is me, that it’ll always be me. That I wasn’t naive for loving you so deeply and believing you when you said “always & forever” to me. I want you to make up your mind that while, yes, there are hundreds or thousands or even millions of guys that you could be with who might be better suited for you or make you happier than I did, that I’ll always be the only one that you love. I want you to make up your mind that the person who makes you happiest and makes your life feel worth living is me.
But I don’t know when or if that will happen, or if I even truly want that to happen, and that’s the hardest part about all of this. The possibility that the love of your life may just simply not be me, and that who I thought was the love of my life, might just not be you.
Until I figure that out, I’ll go through each and every day putting one foot in front of the other while working hard to convince everyone that I am fine knowing that you’re somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. I will try my best to put you out of my mind and “keep on keeping on”, like you told me to do. That is, until my phone vibrates.Or until” thank you” BY alaniss morrisette comes on Or until I have to go to sleep. And until I fall apart again, like I tend to do, and have to find a way to cope… without you.”
SO recently I learned that my father has stage four lung cancer, , Random thoughts started to race through my head .many many thoughts, from , will he live to how will , what when why . I have yet to accept and bring the fact that he does have it …I keep hoping its a a dream , and that ill wake up and will snap out of it .
But gone are the days and times of play time in the park with my father ,as reality sets in i prep for the worst but hope for the best at the same time . Maybe there is some what glimmer of life in him left To where he can fight it off. but who knows whats in store for us.
all i know is that he has been there for me through thick and thin and never once turned his back on me, LIKE when i came out , and many other times he could have shut the door on me and never did . Why is it yet that I can’t force myself to face him yet. Everytime I have called Ive had an emotional breakdown and just start crying . Now Here I sit not knowing what to do . How to act or be there for my family. How can i help . I havent called them in three days and begin to hate myself for it . knowing Im wrong for it . but how can i Help ?
is there really hope ? ?
I really don’t know what to do with myself at this point, which I’m also oddly at ease about. Ive been an emotionally ravaged zombie existing day-to-day without much inflection or opinion about anything occurring around me. Ive been THAT self absorbed. and part of me has been witnessing this trend from within, and wondering how long I was going to be incapable of shirking the toxicity and letting it simply grow to infest my entire outlook like his cancer. I suppose, barring any sudden regression (I’m very prone to jump the gun when I go through these phases and write posts like this. yes, its happened before. just not this drastically) I have my answer? Whatever part of me is now speaking has been quarantined in the back of mind fretting and pacing and adding to an overall feeling of anxiety about life and my perceived inability to influence it rather than be influenced by it. Piss and moan, eh? and yet i know i have to be there for him but how ? is telling a cancer pt itll be ok . really enough ? .
Im not arguing , Im just explaining why im right !... 