PRETEND !! I think not , Reality Bites im puting out again and everything isn’t like yesterday

So as you all know ive always shared everything with you guys , well anyone out there who’s reading this .
But heres an update on mylife ,, My year long wait is over , I hadn’t been putting out as you all know for a while now , yEAH I KNOW Hoping : famed mr right was out there somewhere . But that didn’t happen. I guess you can say I caved in to temptation or just lost hope , one or the other . I know im only a man , and men are never perfection . Perfection is obsulete.. Or well misrepresented. Well this story is rather graphic about my first account , and how all i felt was awkward . Yes thats what I said Awkward . not satisfied, just awkward .

I met this guy using grindr ..

I had gotten bored one night and redownloaded it . for those of you not in the loop of what it is grindr is a location based app, you download load a profile on it and upload a picture and a little brief ” ABOUT ME ” Section .. So yeah I had been on the app before , but evertime I meet someone off it , It would be a disaster… Grndr is a famous ” HOOKUP ” site, it takes away any human connection it’s usually people flashing nothing but their junk in your inbox . I spend half the night blocking and deleting peoples pics..Leads me to really believe that ” good ” honest caring men aren’t out there. I think im becoming more jaded as I get older .. But people always have proven it for me ..
but still keep the of there is someone out there for me either way

Well back to my story anywho , Meet this guy he seemed really cute, I messaged him which is something out of the ordinary for me . I usually always wait for anyone to initiate contact. …But I couldn’t resist it . He was so cute, YES not showing his picture.
for (names of thoses involved ) ” andrew” _my favorite white boy name.. WELL he seemed perfectly charming and classy , which is hard to find. We went to this nice restaurant Had an awesome conversation
and we seemed to really hit if off together, I felt like I was talking to my long lost bestfriend it was that instant , and those who have read my blog in the past know how gaurded and distant I can be. I know in the past I’ve lost good men that wanted to be with me because of my own selfish insecurities * ive pushed them away * . But I fell into his gaze instantly , I had never felt that before or in a long long time, with anyone. It felt so good . And I wanted to once just believe it.. So to cut a story short ..dinnee , no drinks we were actually sober, no alcohol .. somehow I allowed myself to end up at his place,” he said movies ” as we were supposedly driving to starbucks . But yeah , I don’t want to get to graphic with all the details but before I knew it , my dick was in his mouth it felt good but after when I got home I satup all night thinking ” alonso what did you do ” it just felt .awkward to me Ive never had that feeling after sex,.. We then finished our deed we hugged and kissed and I left. So we talked for several weeks and saw each other several times then after weeks of talking and surprisingly those next times we meet nothing happened sexually ,, we meet for dinner then more movies several times …. then till a bout a month after talking ” we meet again then I Went over and serviced him . duh orally . Oral is all we have done…still saving myself “sortof”
Everything was fine afterwards , bu then I noticed the changes in him .. he stopped talking to me less and less.. the usual ” im not into you signs” then one day I noticed this fucker blocked me on the app we meet .. So i assumed we were over, but he continued talking to me afterwards like nothing happened , I confronted him and he flat out lied to me and said he hadn’t , He even seemed more interested in me again .. thinking maybe he deleted it and wanted something more serious; But of course , Me and my fault finding skills never let up . so I deleted the app again reinstalled it again .. and low and behold I was right , he was there, on the app still active .but we madeup after the confrontation , and all seems Well..

Deep down . I already can feel like it’s going to have an end . Even though I offered to open things up and told him flat out that If we did do a relationship I didn’t mind an open one …. I didn’t think we were there , or anything for that matter anyways…* you know me , don’t believe in labels* just respect and honesty .. I get the ” i like you ” story for now . from him.

But Have you guys ever felt like if it feels like there is going to be an end why do you start something ???? Truth Is I know I know im ignorant and probably know my answer ,but it seems that we want what we can’t have . Or a part of me is just wanting to keep the hope alive. But DONT WANT pretend.. Im all about honesty .. If you wanna be with me then tell me everyhthing . If you are only wanting to fuck me then tell me right off the back . If you are wanting to screw around with others Im fine , just dont play head games.. Why is that so hard for men to understand ???

so eitherway answer to my problem lies in grindr , Back to the grind I say its a like a addiction but in a way it’s also the solution.. iN THE Midst of all this , I started talking to another whom Im hopefully meeting this weekend. He seems really put together. ( i cant put all my eggs in one baskeT ) and dont know if the other one is just confused or unsure of what he really wants but well see how things go with the new friend. OTHER one for now is there but at a distance. 😉 , always shaking it off and moving forward . .letting go is something Ive learned to do very fast ,,,just like my girl taylor sais ” shake it off ” lol right
I still pray that my mr right is out there .
anyways tips and comments good bad whatevers appreciated

//

askhole* yeah you . 85% of my friends ;-) love ya .

So we all have that one friend whos always coming to you for advice,  Then we gladly give it to them .. And of course that fucker goes and does the exact opposite of what you tell them to do .. I  mean think about it me as your friend will come back to you and answer with all complete honesty all you people know that the friend will value you and tell you the right thing to do . When you come to me im  a give ya my opinion but ill probably also pull out all the good stuff like , graphs, charts, reporst, hell even google analytics shit on ya .. So there for you know Im invested in your well being .

Dont come back at with the same problem over and over; Ill give you two phone calls on the same issue then were done .. example of what i mean ..

 

me -hi

friend- Whos that nice looking  girl on your fb leaving all them comments,

me – her name is (eva ) shes ok and hot but ,, crazy ! .

 

Two weeks later ;; same friend

me -hi

friend- hey i hooked up with that eva girl…* shes crazy

me-told ya so

****meanwhile* evas in car in front of my friends house in her car with baniculars  doing lord knows what.. See I told ya she was crazy …

 

Thats an askhole ….

 

another example,

me- you found your boyfriend deleting message s again , and he still doesnt appreciate you .. * didnt we have this conversation before * mmmmm

 

See caring is one thing but buy the thrid time that your coming at me with the same problem , Im just not gona care , dont be surprised if I  show up at your front door and go madea on you ..

When you ask for a friends advice if you already  know your gonna do the exact opposite then dont bother coming to me with the problem ! !!!..

Augustine.. the french connection ,hiv & the social stigma

It was the summer of 1999.. I was 18 fresh out of high school, ready for college . I had the privellage of getting to go on a summer abroad program and live in Paris, France .It was the best experience of my life,& one thatl never forget .. When I turn 80 & im old and wrinkled Il always have a tale or two tell about that summer in Paris .

The reason im writing about it was because im slightly confused.Why out if the blue after 10 years somebody from that trip would write to me is unbelievable to me .Facebook brings out the past and reveals everything .

His name is. Augustine. I was 18 at the time he was 28 at the time . We met on bastille day on the seine river .. I was at one ofthe partys celebrating bastille day .. He just came up to me while I was dancing with a group of friends and it all went from there .. We danced all night until morning then headed for breakfeast …I thought I wouldnt see him again ever after that … He then surprised me the same day he waited for me at my school at the sorbonne with a rose in hand …I melted . As he leaned to present ibsaid jokingly “what are you doing” and all he replied “making sure you know the real paris ” ..From that day we saw each other every day ..He showef me many things around Paris that I know I wouldnt. Have seen otherwise ..I got to meet and have dinner with him and his family ..increidible amazing people. . When you meet a group of people have you guys ever felt a connection like you knew them already somehow ?  …

We kept on on dating and seeing each other..week after week we got closer to each other .But there was something weird about us three weeks and nothing more then a pec on the cheek..I kept wondering in the back of my head why this guy wouldnt move onto anything else … with me ..

Well finally in a cab ride home to my dorm .I finally asked him why .. I remember all he did is look and down ..ignored the question ..Then he was quite for the rest of the night . On that same cab ride before I got out of the car he finally leans in for the kiss. It was beautiful .. he then stoped me as proceeded to try go further with him, he sprung it on me .”im hiv positive “. I remember I just looked at him and said ok .. I have condoms & dont care about your status…lol yes while in the cab still lol…we got outa the cab and continued kissing ..its paris you can get away with anything… I dont know why but he insisted on stoping.. After that I just said ok and kissed him goodnight. And told him ” ill see you tomorrow” 

The next day I called him over and over and got no response..ill never understand why … Im not one to be judgemental never have been never will be ..I myself as being hiv negative dont see those that are hiv positive or the fact those that have any std as not dateable …its all about being educated and knowing ways to protect yourself. I see good in everyone and give everyone a chance .. Just wish augustine would have answered …Dont know if it was fear of me rejecting him and not accepting that made him not answer the calls I made after his reveal to me.But I wish he had answered.

To all the people out there suffering with any std There is hope .. good people our out there and for the negative status people dont judge ..until you know all the facts ..Educate and protect yourself ..

As for Augustine I did replty and he said he would be in dallas and wanted to meetup Even now once again I didnt get a reply ..and think my friend request on fb was ignored ;-(  Guess ill never know what his hesitation is.  Men .

im single by choice :-)

 

I ve been asked this question alot lately , All my friends are always , like your such a good guy with a good heart ! ,  & please stop setting me up . seriously …. Why are you Single .

So heres your answer. Im  single for many reasons .

 

1.   Single becuase my gaurd is up, I can spot a flake a mile away and wont give into just anything .

 

2. MY  Expectations are high .  I want some one who is , HAPPY , has their life together .  happy emotionally , physically and spiritually … what you see in public isnt the reality of what is behind closed doors.

3.  Dont want to get hurt again . as you  can see from my many posts all my dating experiences with other men have not gone so well ..

I still keep at it and hope that hes out there .. Mr Right .. H e exists somewhere .

4. baggage.  They say the past makes the future but then their are those that hold on the past and cant move on from it . some people  just

cant let go . I always get the gay guys that have alot of baggage and issues .

5. I refuse to just dive into thing s right away . I want someone who will be friends with me and get to know each other from the beginning ive always believed that a good relationship starts with a good friendship .  and a part of the diving in part , would be my last date .. example ;; I went out with this guy only spoke with him two times over the phone went out with him twice; the second date with in a  week of talking to me he sais , I love you . i Was stunned, I would never allow myself to fall that quick for anyone .. need less to say  my response to his I LOVE YOU  was , ” oh look pizzas here ” I LOVE PIZZA. yeah .. of course i quit talking to him after that one .. just cant dive into abyss without knowing you .

6. People dont value relationship .. A relationship is work , You have to devote time and patience and energy to that person . some times it can be overwhelming. If its overwhelming then why would i want to be with you?

 

That is why I choose to remain to single; , I refuse to give in . but I do know one day that everything will fall into placeand that he is out there for me .

So I continue my search and kiss frogs hoping my prince will show up one day .

 

 

 

maybe i like this roller coaster life ….

So lately my life has been like a roller coaster …. One minute im up next minute im down . looking at a screaming hill …..thats what it s like right , Im beginning to wonder if im stressed or just getting depressed again. Havent had those feelings again since high school .. its just like a hill that keeps going further down and down . but it spikes and turns up all of the sudden…..my life has always been this way . ive learned to deal with all of the ups and downs. .

At any turn or second i can drop at the thought of the emotions…. im sick with love and full of emotions . love the view from the top of the mountain of the rollercoaste r but hate when everything falls …..thats what it fel t like when i was with you .. U bought  me to life and held me high above the mountain . … Its like u were the thing that mattered to me the most . being on the mountain .

Run as Fast as you can …

Weve all been in those relationships that just werent meant to be , I ve learned alot in my past relationships and now have concurrent evidence , If You a wonderful self loving respecting human beings  sees any of the following please Run ! Dont be stupid and stay . thinking it itll work it out self . Relationships no matter how fucked up run a course of there own taking us through many winding unnessary turns that could have been stopped long before we turned.  !!! ..this is just not taken from one of my relationship s … This is what I have learned from my long list that goes on and on through out my dating games. and through my gentlemen callers.  ….  but ill do the top ten …….signs That should have you running for the hills……in otherwords  as they say cut the cord ——>>>>>>

1.. if he sais ” I LOVE YOU ” within the first 1 week of dating . Run .. Youre gonna have major issues later along the lines. … I mean really unless that person has self loathing issues then why else would it be so easy for them to be spouting ” I LOVE YOU ” .. WITHIN a WEEK !!!! . no references intended ! and yes u know who u are if you re reading this .

2. He uses pot , unless you can deal with the after math , really if you need him in an emergency situation is he going to be able to walk to you to help you get or be to fd up that he cant event walk to youre rescue , its prolly not going to work .call it survival reasons .

3 . He keeps in contact with any of his ex’s … There called x’s for a reason . if it wasn’t meant to be in the first place then you shouldn’t be in contact with any of your’e no matter what , whether its ” oh were trying to be friends ” oh yeah right whatever .. we’ve all heard that one .before.. * fuck buddy comes to mind ,AT Least in my past self experiences anyways . yeah Im a blunt person . …**** ..

.4.  He drinks…. drinking is ok but in small controlled quantities………

If you ‘ve had to hold youre mans head up a whole night after going club , while he spits up his insides on you  its just not love trust me on this . .. Its just not going to work … many reasons. behind this one . hygene , etc.

5…SEXUAL REFERENCES. …..

yEAH , iF HE/she constantly , talks about his /her past experiences . Its not going to work  . means there either just plain whores , and not satisfied fully with you . Why else would they spout that kinda talk in front of you . Really . Think about this one . long and deep . Do you love yourself ?

6.LOCKED CELL PHONE . ……….

Cell phones hold all you need to know , I f a person won’t unlock there cell phone for any reason . ITs becuase they are hiding shit , really dont get youre panties in a twist over this one .. trust me they have a lock code for a reason , (you) …. and that whole placing phones face down . and answering in any other is  a red flag ! … for reals . i always keep mine unlocked because well  I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. if im fucking someone else ill tell you all about it.

7.bipolar … def of bipolar . someone who will fuck up youre day… yeah .. reading a persons text messages is an indicator  … like one minute … oh “””im happy”  next  “i love you “..next” im gonna killyoure dogies” … to oh “im sorry i wanna be with you forever ” yeah thats bipolar … …

8. he wears womans underclothes, I believe its  called a fetish .. but fetishes only imply during sex. ? am I right or wrong ?????? if he wears them all day ,,, its not normal . I know in my list of gentlemen callers I ‘ve encountered alot of real freaks . for reals ….lol

9. paraphrasing of movie quotes, brought into real life …. for example >>>>>>>

Devil Wears Prada scene where the main lead is told ” please take your time you know how i love it when move at a glacial pace …. it just thrils me”   .

YEAH to me its just not cute, ….and it gets annoying after  a while >>.its cute at the beginning but just dont do it , its fd up . for reals .

10…..you ve had doubts of your own .. if you have ever questioned you wanted this ,and wondered like an idiot ” is this really it for me ” . then yes its not going to work out . … you re answer lies in your e question.

those are my reasons for running. if it was you .,  ” IT JUST DIDNT WORK OUT

” AS swift put it , we are never getting back together again .

ZOMBIE

Zombie

05/11/2012
So its  now  5:45 pm Here I am at work still . I’m on  my 4th cup of coffee already . Thank god my company likes to keep us jazzed with all the free caffeine we can take !!! And I  just reached for a  7UP can . Everyone has left the office is now empty.

I work for “ the electricity company “  and yet here I am sitting and yet I feel like I’m not even here like I just went through the  whole workday and don’t even remember what I said or did four hours ago . …. Let alone what I had for lunch.

Is that sign that, I’ve become a zombie to the job?  A job which once 3 years ago I
Felt excited about ; and  loved the thought of  coming to work. It was the very first job that I can honestly I used to look forward to coming to everyday.
. I work in customer service, yeah the  “ why is my bill high”  eternal question type of job. Some days I just wanna shoot the person on the other line. !!! I mean really is it that hard to understand youre energy bill , just turn youre shit off and it’ll be much better ! but of course I can’t do that  .

Oh well  geez I wish I Could be like the POWERINCORPORATED commercials if you haven’t seen them or don’t know what I am talking about AND aren’t from texas heres samples ;  geez this would give customer services a whole new turn lol herese some samples.

But how is it that people just go through life like a zombie punching a time card everyday and not doing what they love? Have you ever wanted to do what you love and get paid for it ? Im no dummy and know that bills need to be paid but how can you love what ya do ?  What you do is only a part of you it doesn’t define who you are.

That’s why im praying that my photography works out ! well see what the future holds . But until then I’m in my little cubicle trapped. Is a job just like a relationship how do I rekindle the fire I once felt for my job?

August in Review ( lo bueno ,chingado, and the painful )

Well finally summer is almost over , august was very eventful for me .  Had a couple of situations  that came about, stressful situations , that caused me a huge headache on top of that were was all the incredible summer heat that we went through  YEAH im the one in texas DFW suffering through all the extensive heat 45 days plus of 100 degree weather . We finally got some rain last week , although it was weird and only lasted a couple of mins but that wet rain smell lingered for a while afterwards ,it felt so good , and although the sun the sun was out the humidity and that  rainy day felt good  aND Finally this week we started hiting below 100 degree weather ,which believe me you really do start to feel the temperature and notice it after such a long under same degree type .. Believe me  i began to feel tired, even after going to the gym . lol NOT because of the  pain of the workout but just because we had gotten so used to litterally everytime after you step outside , sweat starts pouring down that starts to get you after a while !!!

The second instance was dealing with a best friendship gone bad . I mean really horrible ; this is the type of friendship since childhood!! anyways my roommate and i had been living together for three months , now keep in mind that im 30 and we had been bestfriends since we were 12 , his family and mine were close , very close, my mother raised literally all his family , to understand my best hfriend whos name i wont mention , you have to understand  a little about his past. Heres a rough  breakdown of his past , he was raised by his sister  whos beena  lpn in the same clinic for over 20 years,  all becuase well his mother was a typical nutcase , bipolar, alcoholic, in and out of rehab so his sister had custody of him and raised him . We had always hung out just becasue well we wwere the same age and had alot in common we were inseperable , when i first moved to texas in 2007 he extended a helping hand in allowing me to move in with him , i lived wigth him for two years , it was a nightmare, *that saying you dont someone till you live with them * its true. He would do alot of things to make me miserable i would dread the thought of going home just becasue i was unsure of what mood he was going to be in . You never new , you had to do a ” mood” check ; and when he got him there was always that wasnt done to his liking . well anyways you get the picture.

I moved out two years later because of course i metsomeone fell in love the usual story .  ANYWAY . he had a “mental ” moment and moved back home . thinking he would be bettter off which of course was wrong it just led to another arrest . more history on his record . oh well back to present we began fighting out of nowhere.  One day there i am like an idiot knocking on his door and he steps out all pissed off and mad here i am trying to offer the man money and food : whod t urn down a free meal : i dont know why he got pissed after i knocked on his door but , well words lead to pushing and shoving and words are very hateful ; the truth always comes out when youre mad right . > you always say what you really feel when youre infurriated . But as it turns that he  was very unhappy here I realize we have a small two bedroom 1 1/2 bath duple but hey its still roomey but he was apparently unhappy for a while , i didnt realize the hat e he had always felt towards me . CONSIDERING  the  words used to describe   me by him i was called everything from a major bitch to anything 0n the block , and get this  all along i have always had him in such high esteem , not once do i think he would ever have anything positive to say this is the kidna of man that can t even say a simple courtesy word  such a thank you, and please. oh well thats him in a nut shell. BIPOLAR, CRAZY, PSCHOTIC, choice words but oh well .Needless to say i  quite sadDened by all this Deep down i wanted to apologize although i didnt know waht for but i didnt want to loose a friend but in the end i came to the conclusion its best not to have any negative people or karma in youre life , i feel content because i offered shelter in terms of him moving back to texas , and well got him started back up here . oh well may be one day well meet again , and who know maybe by then he will have matured. but it was messed up in the end : to give you and idea of how bad it all ended the day he left he didnt even say thank you , or nothing or even look he just throough the keys on the  coffee table and left ; packed his shit in the car of a friend in a hurry and that was the end of an era ….. in my life ; oh well . only time well tell if it was meant to be , I believe that sometimes people arent themselves when there angry . but time well tell. I guess some friendships arent meant to last . they just come and go and leave an inprint in you .

The third situation that hat to deal with is a day il never forget , it was thursday sept 1, 2011 , Of course i wondered if it was some kinda karma from the best friend situation but anyways , Everyone has dealt with a flat tire at one point in there life ; righT? WELL this one was different , very different  Let me paint a vivid picture of what i went through . It was a thursday  , i got up took a shower got dresseed, the usual morning routine, work was routine as usual , boring mind numbing phone call after phone call, i work in customer services for an energy company , the worst overpriced company * my personal opinion* But otherwise the job itself is easy. I went through the normal workday and then 5 pm hit omg , there it was the dreaded flat tire. and i could it wasnt a flat . the thread on the tire was completely dethreaded so yeah i deserved this i guess. Next time ill be more smart about tire care !!! well anyways i Get to the car and realize i have flat so the firs tthing i do ; is i open the trun to chekc and find the jack and cross for the BOLTS , of course its all not there !!! turns out my boyfriend had it in his car. Lucky me , i had the joy of going around the call center asking for assistance and of course half the people i asked just ignored me or pretended like they were in a hurry for their life ( so glad to know how united a company is)  but i did have two close friend s who attempted to help one just had a jack and the other of course just the cross but we went downstairs to where our vehicles were parked and of course the cross didnt fit my bolts so  i had to call the boyfriend and he of cours e was too busy literally had to beg him to comeup and help but he finally did, and i thought that the cross and jack were in his trunk but turns out he only had the jack ;so we had to drive to walmart which was 15 mins away , from so i didnt want to drive that far ,  i made him stop at a dollar general and a fiesta mart , of course in the car care aisle they had everything except the cross we needed , eventually i had to submit to walmart < i try to avoid it at all cost , you all know walmarts , long long long eternal lines. ect> but finally made my way down to the walmart got the cross and drove back to the car , and of course the boyfriend leavesrightaway , back home doesnt even wait for me to try the cross on the bolt to see if it fitz luckily it did !!! so there i am all hapy thinking for a moment that the horrible day was finally goingmy way , boy was i wrong, I got the tire off and jthen put the jack in hoisted up the car and as i was doing so not realizing that iwas parked ina slight slope , the car falls freaken forward !!!! it fell so hard i left an indent in the parking lot cement !!!! luckily no damage to the car . I took the jack out and put it back in again several times , each time same thing !!!! the car fell freaken forward, i was raging by the third time  it fell forward . I finally caved and had no other choice but to call AAA . of course it was funny The first thing i didbefore i even signed up was ask ” hey  Mr operator dan , if i have an emergency situation how long before i can use the services ” and luckily he goes right away sir there s no waiting period so i signed up for there services . and they were actually quick about getting there . from 5 to the time i called aaa it was bout 950 they got there like at 1030 it felt weird being at the cof the only person there just me and security but anyways the aaa guys finally came and ina snap hoirsted the car upu with the tow truck slapped the spare tire on the car and there i was on my way home . After sweating attempted through all times to hoist the car up !!!! oh well learned a valuable lesson car care is important… and im now the proud owner of a aaa membership which im sure will come in handy again . and you might think ok well ” end of story , what a loser” not the end !!!! i get up the next day and of course it was the day antonio left and i go out side ; and what !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the spare was flat. !!!!!!! how does someone get a flat on a spare !!!!!!!!! well apparently i do .  had to call aaa they put air in the tire and i was back in business went down to get the tires replaced and afterwards i had to call in that frieday juset because aaa response time well i called it in at 10 am and they didnt show up till about 1120 am . so there wasnt really a point for me to go to work all the way to irving for four hours . yeah once i got the tires i ended that friday affternoon with shots at on the border  .. LOL im such an alcoholic but the whole lesson i learned in this was always be better prepared . I now count with an electrical jack and electrick  bolt screw . !!! yeah went high class . and to all reading this word to wise always have a backup plan or be prepared for consequences . the texas heat is brutal not only you but on youre vehicle hence why my tire was shredded to begin with ! 😉 anways good night . signing off .