Prince charming is really fucked up….I always get the good ones

So I just went out with a group of friends….Everything was fine.    Had a really nice time .But. I got home around 2it was an average night .. I get home fall asleep …the phone rings ..
Conversation was as follows …meanwhile im groggy and still half assed asleep ..
Me -where are you
Him- babe im at midtowne spa
Me -mmmmmm..your calling me to tell me this because ?
Him-I love you ..
Me-youve ignored my calls and text for three days.
Him-im fd up I need you
Me -what did you take ?
Him-extacy, ice coke and everything
Me -call a taxi

At this point im enraged ..and hang up on him….This is supposed to be someone im interested in and that I thought I waa getting to know ..

He rings me again

I answer

Him -I love i love you
****then he starts balling crying over the phone at this point I new he was really messed up ****
All im thinking is why me ! This has happened to me twice already. Same situation…DIFFERENT GUYS

So me being the good hearted man that I am …end up telling him .Ill pick you up ..so at 4 am there i am in front of midtowne spa waiting …for my individual….he walks to the car bearly ….hes that messed up ..He even tries t o kiss me …
***mind you midtowne spa is a sex club *** so here it is 4 am now …I drove him from dallas to garland ….he did n othing but cry all the way home. …I just turned up the music the whole time …and he sat there apologizing to me blaming it on his mental illnes * same as the other one* im thinking really bitch your 29 & shou ld have self control….I got more and more enraged the last one I took care of him still afyer all this …this one I just dropped him off at home and called it a day ..

Now getting to why I wrote this …Why do I always attract men with issues .??

  Ive taken care of every single type of gay man with issues …The one who was a whore, the crackhead, the selfish insecure one , the asswhole who did nothing but workout to make himself look better,the asswhole because he had money and felt like he could treat everyone like he wNted because of his money , the vein one ..Every type ..Ive had them. AND Im dumn enough to have still ” stayed ” with them.

Why can’t I just meet a normal healthy mentally and spiritual person .
I always get the broken ones that need fixed .

I cant be the fixer anymore its getting to me. .

I know perfect amd normal doesnt exist but wow ..a boy can only take so much …And yes all these bitches I took care of in the end  didnt even thank me .We arent even friends ….single life sucks and dating is the pitts. ..but im still hopeful theres a descent person out there for me.

PRETEND !! I think not , Reality Bites im puting out again and everything isn’t like yesterday

So as you all know ive always shared everything with you guys , well anyone out there who’s reading this .
But heres an update on mylife ,, My year long wait is over , I hadn’t been putting out as you all know for a while now , yEAH I KNOW Hoping : famed mr right was out there somewhere . But that didn’t happen. I guess you can say I caved in to temptation or just lost hope , one or the other . I know im only a man , and men are never perfection . Perfection is obsulete.. Or well misrepresented. Well this story is rather graphic about my first account , and how all i felt was awkward . Yes thats what I said Awkward . not satisfied, just awkward .

I met this guy using grindr ..

I had gotten bored one night and redownloaded it . for those of you not in the loop of what it is grindr is a location based app, you download load a profile on it and upload a picture and a little brief ” ABOUT ME ” Section .. So yeah I had been on the app before , but evertime I meet someone off it , It would be a disaster… Grndr is a famous ” HOOKUP ” site, it takes away any human connection it’s usually people flashing nothing but their junk in your inbox . I spend half the night blocking and deleting peoples pics..Leads me to really believe that ” good ” honest caring men aren’t out there. I think im becoming more jaded as I get older .. But people always have proven it for me ..
but still keep the of there is someone out there for me either way

Well back to my story anywho , Meet this guy he seemed really cute, I messaged him which is something out of the ordinary for me . I usually always wait for anyone to initiate contact. …But I couldn’t resist it . He was so cute, YES not showing his picture.
for (names of thoses involved ) ” andrew” _my favorite white boy name.. WELL he seemed perfectly charming and classy , which is hard to find. We went to this nice restaurant Had an awesome conversation
and we seemed to really hit if off together, I felt like I was talking to my long lost bestfriend it was that instant , and those who have read my blog in the past know how gaurded and distant I can be. I know in the past I’ve lost good men that wanted to be with me because of my own selfish insecurities * ive pushed them away * . But I fell into his gaze instantly , I had never felt that before or in a long long time, with anyone. It felt so good . And I wanted to once just believe it.. So to cut a story short ..dinnee , no drinks we were actually sober, no alcohol .. somehow I allowed myself to end up at his place,” he said movies ” as we were supposedly driving to starbucks . But yeah , I don’t want to get to graphic with all the details but before I knew it , my dick was in his mouth it felt good but after when I got home I satup all night thinking ” alonso what did you do ” it just felt .awkward to me Ive never had that feeling after sex,.. We then finished our deed we hugged and kissed and I left. So we talked for several weeks and saw each other several times then after weeks of talking and surprisingly those next times we meet nothing happened sexually ,, we meet for dinner then more movies several times …. then till a bout a month after talking ” we meet again then I Went over and serviced him . duh orally . Oral is all we have done…still saving myself “sortof”
Everything was fine afterwards , bu then I noticed the changes in him .. he stopped talking to me less and less.. the usual ” im not into you signs” then one day I noticed this fucker blocked me on the app we meet .. So i assumed we were over, but he continued talking to me afterwards like nothing happened , I confronted him and he flat out lied to me and said he hadn’t , He even seemed more interested in me again .. thinking maybe he deleted it and wanted something more serious; But of course , Me and my fault finding skills never let up . so I deleted the app again reinstalled it again .. and low and behold I was right , he was there, on the app still active .but we madeup after the confrontation , and all seems Well..

Deep down . I already can feel like it’s going to have an end . Even though I offered to open things up and told him flat out that If we did do a relationship I didn’t mind an open one …. I didn’t think we were there , or anything for that matter anyways…* you know me , don’t believe in labels* just respect and honesty .. I get the ” i like you ” story for now . from him.

But Have you guys ever felt like if it feels like there is going to be an end why do you start something ???? Truth Is I know I know im ignorant and probably know my answer ,but it seems that we want what we can’t have . Or a part of me is just wanting to keep the hope alive. But DONT WANT pretend.. Im all about honesty .. If you wanna be with me then tell me everyhthing . If you are only wanting to fuck me then tell me right off the back . If you are wanting to screw around with others Im fine , just dont play head games.. Why is that so hard for men to understand ???

so eitherway answer to my problem lies in grindr , Back to the grind I say its a like a addiction but in a way it’s also the solution.. iN THE Midst of all this , I started talking to another whom Im hopefully meeting this weekend. He seems really put together. ( i cant put all my eggs in one baskeT ) and dont know if the other one is just confused or unsure of what he really wants but well see how things go with the new friend. OTHER one for now is there but at a distance. 😉 , always shaking it off and moving forward . .letting go is something Ive learned to do very fast ,,,just like my girl taylor sais ” shake it off ” lol right
I still pray that my mr right is out there .
anyways tips and comments good bad whatevers appreciated

//

Sit on your front porch !

So its tuesday night … here I sit alone , again..nothing but the noises of my dogs play fighting . Today was trying I feel stressed overworked .. generally unsatisfied but thankful..

View from my front porch …

Thats me ..tired sunburned and peeling ..lol

My day started off with a usual routine I got up, showered got dressed loaded my bike into the car and , went to work like most normal people . Other than my normal the only thing I did was have lunch with my friend Lucy at royal chopstix .

.its become a weekly ritual for me ..and yes I always order the same thing ..  orange chicken and steamed rice.

After my long what felt eternal shift I went out and did a few miles on my favorite trail ..then I came home ..

Stressed and alone I just put chicken in the oven to bake …so I then made a mimosa ..andre, mangoes and oj … love them
Im now here sitting on my porch

I dont know why but I began to think about my future and the things im thankful for …
Thoughts came pouring in …

    *above is screenshot from google earth view of my house *back home …

1St what I want is a house ..owning land and establishing yourself on this earth is something we all want ..I dont want a mansion or a big fancy house. Im a simple person and have learned , that things dont hold value and they dont make your life..I want maybe a three bedroom house , not to big or to small just right .. like the house I grew up in .. a house with a big back yard for my dogies to grow old and play around on ..a nice big kitchen .. with an island !   I love cooking ..when I picture my future I picture myself entertaining my friends and family I LOVE COOKING .. To me making a satisfying meal that I created for someone and watching them enjoy it is amazing to me …next … a big front porch with a rocking swing .   Thatl be where hopefully me and my future husband will watch many sunsets together , enjoying our mimosas of course … Finally last request would be a big garage … one that we would fill with our bikes, camping gear, kayaks everything else ! My future husband who is stiil out there must love nature like me …

2Nd I want kids .. I wanna be able to if not adopt or do a suragate mom or some thing..I want a family unit..If its aboy I want to be able to show him to throw a ball or how punch ! Jaja .. if its a girl of course shed be spoiled ..with many many priness tea partys and everything in between.ive gone also looking for other single gay dads …figured thats the easy route. ..and plus I want stability ..

I want. My  house to be made into a home ..a home filled with love and many memories …

Im thankful for ..

Geting the oportunity to move to texas I have the careerI want and love my job … of course there are those other days.Moving to texas was one of the best things ever for me ..I learned to grow up .. of course i miss my family I miss seing my nieces and nephews grow up ..but im thankful when I do see them …when I moved in 2005 I was a different person ..I used to think there wasnt a god .. and cared nothing more then about myself ..now I see light , im happy.. My relationship with god is stronger then ever now Ive now changed amd love life ..im now know that im not meant to just party .. I want quite movie nights and bingo nights with friends .. funny how things change..

2Nd im thankful for my relationship that once was .. with edmundo It was a good 5 yrs ..I learned a lot about myself and how strong I am .. although we lost each other ..Im glad it happened .. now I will wait for my next love …hopefully the last in my life ..I may not have a partner now and want nothing more then to be in love but I want things to happen naturally.. ill sit here waiting for him..I know hes out there .

In terms of my future ..I m not sure about it  but nothings ever writen in stone and the future can always be changed…

GLITTER IN THE AIR, FRIENDSHIPS, EMOTIONS, LONELINESS, and thank yous .

Last night while out on the town again, on one of my fabulous nigthlife excursions ..

A sense of belonging came over me. I dont know why but it just diD. Usually I have always thrived being alone without anyone . But as stood at the tin room all alonE.Surrounded by a crowd of people I felt very alone .

I began to notice something . After going out alone so many times I just realized that the one thing  missing from my life is a group of friends. Yes you know a group of friends like the group on friends the tv show. The ones you know will be there for you  when you just wanna go out and hangout and leave the rest of your problems behind.The ones that will call you Just to see how you are and and actually want to know and friends just that just want to seek you out.

I realized that when it comes to the majority of the “friends” I have im usually the one seeking them out to get together. Go out and do stuff . After soul searching I only have two friend and thats Marian AND Jacob the rest of them that I had I  had to Give  them up for the sake of my relationship. *When your in love you do stupid shit* For some unknown reason my  ex never seemed to be able to get along with any of my friends. There was many arguments  when my friends would come over. Yet I was always able to get along with his.. In fact I became very close to them. They all quit talking to me once we splitup at that point I didnt have anyone left . .Yet  I gave  up my friends  for someone who i thought was going to be apart of my life forever . And Now im paying the price of my mistakes. And just cant seem to bring myself to allow myself into a ” group” of friends.  Jacob was one relationship that I was able to recover after the messup that was my ex Edmundo . Im thankful for his friendship, its been a 12 year friendship with JACOB . love him . And thank you to Marian , youve alway s been there for me . LOVE YA

1st pic me and jacob , 2nd middle pic me and Marian , 3RD ME and edmundo , edmundos the one with the glasses ..

Now I sit here wondering why am I feeling lonely . Im happy and content with my life but just want to fill it up a bit more . I just wish someone would genuinely care about me even just as a friend  . I believe I am a good person and ive always been outward and outspoken , But why am I having such a hard time connecting with people in general?

THE EXIT DOOR …letter to a lost one that i loved . …mine in the back of mind . for one night .

an open letter to the one i loved and lost

“I woke up this morning from a dream that we were lying in bed together on a lazy summer morning. The blinds were half drawn, with daylight pouring through, projecting lines on your body as your cell phone rang. You answered to talk to your mom and you pretended you were alone while I buried my face in your shoulder and watched you come up with a lie as to why you were still in bed at 2 in the afternoon. I could practically smell your skin and feel the warmth of your body against mine, that is, until I woke up and you weren’t there beside me. Seeing that empty space and lonely pillow served as a crude reminder that you were gone.

I know we don’t talk anymore, but it’s late at night and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because there’s that slight chance I might dream about you again, as if having to think about you all day isn’t already enough. In a few hours, I’ll wake up, shower, make coffee, and go to works knowing that when I finish work, you won’t be waiting for me at my apartment to ask me how my day went. Instead, I’ll get home to my empty place and make dinner alone, all the while knowing that the only person I want to tell about my day is the only person I can’t talk to.

I’ve been a complete mess since you left, as much as I like to tell myself that that isn’t true. A literal wreckage of self-pity and heartache not include everything else that’s bad in my life since you left .  that I wasn’t even aware I was capable of feeling until I was alone . Since you’ve left, I’ve tried as much as I can to take down things of yours or things that reminded me of you. Consequently, my place is now littered with piles of miscellaneous things constantly reminding me that even though you’re gone, I’ll never be able to erase you from my mind. I confess that sometimes I still take your pillow out of my closet for comfort, hoping maybe I’ll catch the slightest bit of your scent, and remember what it was like to have you here.

In the time  that you’ve been gone, I’ve reluctantly started the process of getting on with my life without you in it. Awkwardly filling the gaps you once occupied with new hobbies, old friends, shitty movies, and writing about you more than I’d care to admit. Despite all of my efforts to start a clean slate and wipe you out of my mind entirely, I keep thinking that with enough time, you’ll change your mind. That you’ll realize you made a mistake. That you want me back. That you want to find happiness with me and be “us” again. That you still love me like you did. I keep thinking that you’ll simply change your mind and you’ll show up on my doorstep, realizing what you’ve been missing.

But I don’t want you to change your mind, I want you to make up your mind. I want you to make up your mind that it is me, that it’ll always be me. That I wasn’t naive for loving you so deeply and believing you when you said “always & forever” to me. I want you to make up your mind that while, yes, there are hundreds or thousands or even millions of guys that you could be with who might be better suited for you or make you happier than I did, that I’ll always be the only one that you love. I want you to make up your mind that the person who makes you happiest and makes your life feel worth living is me.

But I don’t know when or if that will happen, or if I even truly want that to happen, and that’s the hardest part about all of this. The possibility that the love of your life may just simply not be me, and that who I thought was the love of my life, might just not be you.

Until I figure that out, I’ll go through each and every day putting one foot in front of the other while working hard to convince everyone that I am fine knowing that you’re somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. I will try my best to put you out of my mind and “keep on keeping on”, like you told me to do. That is, until my phone vibrates.Or until” thank you” BY alaniss morrisette comes on Or until I have to go to sleep. And until I fall apart again, like I tend to do, and have to find a way to cope… without you.”

.

“I’ve never let…

“I’ve never let something get at me so badly that I can barely pick myself back up. I’ve never felt this fucking weak.

maybe i like this roller coaster life ….

So lately my life has been like a roller coaster …. One minute im up next minute im down . looking at a screaming hill …..thats what it s like right , Im beginning to wonder if im stressed or just getting depressed again. Havent had those feelings again since high school .. its just like a hill that keeps going further down and down . but it spikes and turns up all of the sudden…..my life has always been this way . ive learned to deal with all of the ups and downs. .

At any turn or second i can drop at the thought of the emotions…. im sick with love and full of emotions . love the view from the top of the mountain of the rollercoaste r but hate when everything falls …..thats what it fel t like when i was with you .. U bought  me to life and held me high above the mountain . … Its like u were the thing that mattered to me the most . being on the mountain .

he killed my soul fraudalently .

Murder…Murder is defined by many mean s but what about emotional murder?  Can somoone hurt you so much that they murdered any last hope you hope you had ???that is how i feel right now like I was murdered … so yeah … ladies/ gents if you believe is  liar ..Just look into his phone ….get the code … its easy to spot whats being pressed when he enters the code. and if its a swipe code just watch his hands motions literally . Once you have unlocked the phone the phone will reveal all the truth … about your romeo .

Thats what happened to me . I looked at his phone and found a whole new world of someone who  YOU THOUGHT YOU  know .. it sucks to realize that youre not important to somoene but that is life .We come across people who think matter but dont. Mine had message from not just one ex but hundreds, litterally . All i cared about was one ex because in the others not once did he tell them I LOVE YOU … but they were all about sex.  which im fine with sexting . no issues on that front . but when you sit there texting Youre ex I LOVE YOU …I realize theres something more. Ladies take it from me theres no sense in being a third wheel or in my case the 100th . Let it go and move on . if you have any distrust , just go into his phone. and move on once the truth is found out . 

Run as Fast as you can …

Weve all been in those relationships that just werent meant to be , I ve learned alot in my past relationships and now have concurrent evidence , If You a wonderful self loving respecting human beings  sees any of the following please Run ! Dont be stupid and stay . thinking it itll work it out self . Relationships no matter how fucked up run a course of there own taking us through many winding unnessary turns that could have been stopped long before we turned.  !!! ..this is just not taken from one of my relationship s … This is what I have learned from my long list that goes on and on through out my dating games. and through my gentlemen callers.  ….  but ill do the top ten …….signs That should have you running for the hills……in otherwords  as they say cut the cord ——>>>>>>

1.. if he sais ” I LOVE YOU ” within the first 1 week of dating . Run .. Youre gonna have major issues later along the lines. … I mean really unless that person has self loathing issues then why else would it be so easy for them to be spouting ” I LOVE YOU ” .. WITHIN a WEEK !!!! . no references intended ! and yes u know who u are if you re reading this .

2. He uses pot , unless you can deal with the after math , really if you need him in an emergency situation is he going to be able to walk to you to help you get or be to fd up that he cant event walk to youre rescue , its prolly not going to work .call it survival reasons .

3 . He keeps in contact with any of his ex’s … There called x’s for a reason . if it wasn’t meant to be in the first place then you shouldn’t be in contact with any of your’e no matter what , whether its ” oh were trying to be friends ” oh yeah right whatever .. we’ve all heard that one .before.. * fuck buddy comes to mind ,AT Least in my past self experiences anyways . yeah Im a blunt person . …**** ..

.4.  He drinks…. drinking is ok but in small controlled quantities………

If you ‘ve had to hold youre mans head up a whole night after going club , while he spits up his insides on you  its just not love trust me on this . .. Its just not going to work … many reasons. behind this one . hygene , etc.

5…SEXUAL REFERENCES. …..

yEAH , iF HE/she constantly , talks about his /her past experiences . Its not going to work  . means there either just plain whores , and not satisfied fully with you . Why else would they spout that kinda talk in front of you . Really . Think about this one . long and deep . Do you love yourself ?

6.LOCKED CELL PHONE . ……….

Cell phones hold all you need to know , I f a person won’t unlock there cell phone for any reason . ITs becuase they are hiding shit , really dont get youre panties in a twist over this one .. trust me they have a lock code for a reason , (you) …. and that whole placing phones face down . and answering in any other is  a red flag ! … for reals . i always keep mine unlocked because well  I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. if im fucking someone else ill tell you all about it.

7.bipolar … def of bipolar . someone who will fuck up youre day… yeah .. reading a persons text messages is an indicator  … like one minute … oh “””im happy”  next  “i love you “..next” im gonna killyoure dogies” … to oh “im sorry i wanna be with you forever ” yeah thats bipolar … …

8. he wears womans underclothes, I believe its  called a fetish .. but fetishes only imply during sex. ? am I right or wrong ?????? if he wears them all day ,,, its not normal . I know in my list of gentlemen callers I ‘ve encountered alot of real freaks . for reals ….lol

9. paraphrasing of movie quotes, brought into real life …. for example >>>>>>>

Devil Wears Prada scene where the main lead is told ” please take your time you know how i love it when move at a glacial pace …. it just thrils me”   .

YEAH to me its just not cute, ….and it gets annoying after  a while >>.its cute at the beginning but just dont do it , its fd up . for reals .

10…..you ve had doubts of your own .. if you have ever questioned you wanted this ,and wondered like an idiot ” is this really it for me ” . then yes its not going to work out . … you re answer lies in your e question.

those are my reasons for running. if it was you .,  ” IT JUST DIDNT WORK OUT

” AS swift put it , we are never getting back together again .

ZOMBIE

Zombie

05/11/2012
So its  now  5:45 pm Here I am at work still . I’m on  my 4th cup of coffee already . Thank god my company likes to keep us jazzed with all the free caffeine we can take !!! And I  just reached for a  7UP can . Everyone has left the office is now empty.

I work for “ the electricity company “  and yet here I am sitting and yet I feel like I’m not even here like I just went through the  whole workday and don’t even remember what I said or did four hours ago . …. Let alone what I had for lunch.

Is that sign that, I’ve become a zombie to the job?  A job which once 3 years ago I
Felt excited about ; and  loved the thought of  coming to work. It was the very first job that I can honestly I used to look forward to coming to everyday.
. I work in customer service, yeah the  “ why is my bill high”  eternal question type of job. Some days I just wanna shoot the person on the other line. !!! I mean really is it that hard to understand youre energy bill , just turn youre shit off and it’ll be much better ! but of course I can’t do that  .

Oh well  geez I wish I Could be like the POWERINCORPORATED commercials if you haven’t seen them or don’t know what I am talking about AND aren’t from texas heres samples ;  geez this would give customer services a whole new turn lol herese some samples.

But how is it that people just go through life like a zombie punching a time card everyday and not doing what they love? Have you ever wanted to do what you love and get paid for it ? Im no dummy and know that bills need to be paid but how can you love what ya do ?  What you do is only a part of you it doesn’t define who you are.

That’s why im praying that my photography works out ! well see what the future holds . But until then I’m in my little cubicle trapped. Is a job just like a relationship how do I rekindle the fire I once felt for my job?