Prince charming is really fucked up….I always get the good ones

So I just went out with a group of friends….Everything was fine.    Had a really nice time .But. I got home around 2it was an average night .. I get home fall asleep …the phone rings ..
Conversation was as follows …meanwhile im groggy and still half assed asleep ..
Me -where are you
Him- babe im at midtowne spa
Me -mmmmmm..your calling me to tell me this because ?
Him-I love you ..
Me-youve ignored my calls and text for three days.
Him-im fd up I need you
Me -what did you take ?
Him-extacy, ice coke and everything
Me -call a taxi

At this point im enraged ..and hang up on him….This is supposed to be someone im interested in and that I thought I waa getting to know ..

He rings me again

I answer

Him -I love i love you
****then he starts balling crying over the phone at this point I new he was really messed up ****
All im thinking is why me ! This has happened to me twice already. Same situation…DIFFERENT GUYS

So me being the good hearted man that I am …end up telling him .Ill pick you up ..so at 4 am there i am in front of midtowne spa waiting …for my individual….he walks to the car bearly ….hes that messed up ..He even tries t o kiss me …
***mind you midtowne spa is a sex club *** so here it is 4 am now …I drove him from dallas to garland ….he did n othing but cry all the way home. …I just turned up the music the whole time …and he sat there apologizing to me blaming it on his mental illnes * same as the other one* im thinking really bitch your 29 & shou ld have self control….I got more and more enraged the last one I took care of him still afyer all this …this one I just dropped him off at home and called it a day ..

Now getting to why I wrote this …Why do I always attract men with issues .??

  Ive taken care of every single type of gay man with issues …The one who was a whore, the crackhead, the selfish insecure one , the asswhole who did nothing but workout to make himself look better,the asswhole because he had money and felt like he could treat everyone like he wNted because of his money , the vein one ..Every type ..Ive had them. AND Im dumn enough to have still ” stayed ” with them.

Why can’t I just meet a normal healthy mentally and spiritual person .
I always get the broken ones that need fixed .

I cant be the fixer anymore its getting to me. .

I know perfect amd normal doesnt exist but wow ..a boy can only take so much …And yes all these bitches I took care of in the end  didnt even thank me .We arent even friends ….single life sucks and dating is the pitts. ..but im still hopeful theres a descent person out there for me.

So i new thered be an end, but there was never a beginning to it. Who new a gay man with spina bifida can be so cruel .

So  JARRID S  ,  struck me down. I can’t say I didn’t expect it from my last post. but Just caught me off gaurd, hes the individual that I met off grindr in my last post.  Yes the one I gave everything to , I got hooked on him really fast. for whatever reason I just let myself go , and still tried to Believe that he was into me . The whole thing just amazed me and left me stunned as to how cruel dating games and men in general can be, not just to specify gay men . But It just seems so hearltess and cruel.. Or maybe I just don’t know how to date.  With this one I was even dumb enough to buy him roses for him thinking that he would somehow finally want to establish something .

Well I mentioned spina bifida because that s why the sex with him was so awkward, The fact a man can’t cum somehow doesn’t seem logical. but I was willing to accept it. and try to go from there. I was willing to accept that he would never be available to me becuase of his job  as a gm for a funeral company . I was wanting to accept all issues, When youre in love thats what you do you accept them and all issues. And I know I was becuase I was so hooked and fascinated by him even though I knew nothing of him . Even though I new from the start that this probably wasn’t to amount to anything . . . But over the weekend it all came crashing down .

He hadn’t been texting frequently hardly at all to me, So I knew something was up. This weekend he was in louisiana, I didn’t recieve a response till I finally messaged ” are you ignoring me ” all i got was a blunt Im busy im in louisianna,  So that same saturday I bought flowers. Figured it was time to let him know hey I care more about then as just a friend.  But didnt think it would backfire on me in so many way s.  No thank you no nothing, It seemed as if he didn’t care at all .

And I was right , I texted him on sunday ” did you make it home safe”  and yes that’ts  when he finally replied yeah > and the breakup text.,..the you are a friend text.

It just amazed me that someone with so many issues like he has would not want something . yet he claims he was already seeing someone else, He was so cruel,hurtful, apparently I was not  even dating him according to him and that he only thought  of me as friend always .Even After I yelled out on text I love you , he just saw me as a crazy person . ..  I cried my heart out for a few days. but I learned alot from  Jarrid S in the short time I knew him .  I will go on and Keep on dating . Im not going to allow one man to bring me down. Im worth so much more and one day I will find love.

but it amazes me that people are so cruel. When it comes to dating , how can you not feel anything for anyone ? Am I supposed to kiss and have sex with no feelings behind them ? I can’t do that . I’m just not built that way . I guess I was just a fling for him all along, Yet I fell into his pretty eyes and beautiful smile , and got the FUcked up end of the deal.. Well dating dilemas. Will always be there, but how do I get to know someone without feeling anything ? or are gay men really this cruel… Or im just siting her wondering what I did wrong, Or am I really just not good enough, for a relationship .But either way Ill just do what I do best and move on .

Dear John Doe ” lets play chess?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them. I know  myself well enough..
I’ll walk with my head down trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you .The fact being you are not a good person.  All you will  ever be,in comparison to me is nothing . I’m a lot stronger then most people would dare to think . . Those you underestimate are the ones whom you should be looking out for.

Karma will take care of everything . Here I am again washed up and ranting about the same thing  again there you were with the same old line on the same ” I’m sorry” You painted me a pretty picture that I so ignorantly believed. Maybe because I’m so young and ignorant . Always believing in love and happiness.  Once again thank you to all for proving to me .

Im not sure if this is me or is it you ? Why do most men in general treat dating a like chess game. And I’m the queen your trying to checkmate?  Yet I always fall back in to the game waiting on your next move . I might be young at heart . Don’t men care about the feelings of  another ? or is it just people are insensitive period.

And for the sake of not getting hurt I didn’t let you start a fire because of this reason . Now I am shinning bright without you . I might have cried for a day or two but that’s all you get . To moving on and the dating game that is chess.

john doe being  aka anyone Ive ever dated or ” gotten to know” . Men in my life.

askhole* yeah you . 85% of my friends ;-) love ya .

So we all have that one friend whos always coming to you for advice,  Then we gladly give it to them .. And of course that fucker goes and does the exact opposite of what you tell them to do .. I  mean think about it me as your friend will come back to you and answer with all complete honesty all you people know that the friend will value you and tell you the right thing to do . When you come to me im  a give ya my opinion but ill probably also pull out all the good stuff like , graphs, charts, reporst, hell even google analytics shit on ya .. So there for you know Im invested in your well being .

Dont come back at with the same problem over and over; Ill give you two phone calls on the same issue then were done .. example of what i mean ..

 

me -hi

friend- Whos that nice looking  girl on your fb leaving all them comments,

me – her name is (eva ) shes ok and hot but ,, crazy ! .

 

Two weeks later ;; same friend

me -hi

friend- hey i hooked up with that eva girl…* shes crazy

me-told ya so

****meanwhile* evas in car in front of my friends house in her car with baniculars  doing lord knows what.. See I told ya she was crazy …

 

Thats an askhole ….

 

another example,

me- you found your boyfriend deleting message s again , and he still doesnt appreciate you .. * didnt we have this conversation before * mmmmm

 

See caring is one thing but buy the thrid time that your coming at me with the same problem , Im just not gona care , dont be surprised if I  show up at your front door and go madea on you ..

When you ask for a friends advice if you already  know your gonna do the exact opposite then dont bother coming to me with the problem ! !!!..

Why isnt there always an answer ? Somethings nobody knows .

 

 

Recently I’ve been feeling so disconnected from everyone, as if i am on another page. I am a pretty social person,always the life of the party .confident. smart,  I know Im not ugly, and I have a family to come home to at night Well my dogs , lol  I consider them family  but I’ve been feeling so depressed and lonely for some reason  I cant come up with an answer ..
I’ve recently figured out myself that  I cant trust anyone in this world except for your family .
I  know that having a well established relationship with someone helps alot in times like these were I feel like the worlds against me because I’ve had a  Boyfriend before but  I  just dont have any motivation at all anymore to even bother with one right now.

When I go on “dates” its like hes here and im always ways over there  in another world. I like the people who i meet but the connection itself hasnt been strong enough, I just dont know if its me or them ? . I cant seem to connect anyof them . Is it that ive been so jaded that keeping to myself is a selfpreservation thing ? or what ?? How can it be this hard when love is what I want the most .

 

Iim losing my self confidence, self esteem, and i feel a little depressed because everything was really good at one point were even if I didnt have a guy i can always be a little happy with  Who  I am ,

I  am so confused about life its driving me insane..

Caught Up .

Have you caught up in what you cannot see?
Well, if you give me respect
Then you’ll know what to expect.Little .

Expect out of me what you put in

I can only give of myself as much as you do .

Sit on your front porch !

So its tuesday night … here I sit alone , again..nothing but the noises of my dogs play fighting . Today was trying I feel stressed overworked .. generally unsatisfied but thankful..

View from my front porch …

Thats me ..tired sunburned and peeling ..lol

My day started off with a usual routine I got up, showered got dressed loaded my bike into the car and , went to work like most normal people . Other than my normal the only thing I did was have lunch with my friend Lucy at royal chopstix .

.its become a weekly ritual for me ..and yes I always order the same thing ..  orange chicken and steamed rice.

After my long what felt eternal shift I went out and did a few miles on my favorite trail ..then I came home ..

Stressed and alone I just put chicken in the oven to bake …so I then made a mimosa ..andre, mangoes and oj … love them
Im now here sitting on my porch

I dont know why but I began to think about my future and the things im thankful for …
Thoughts came pouring in …

    *above is screenshot from google earth view of my house *back home …

1St what I want is a house ..owning land and establishing yourself on this earth is something we all want ..I dont want a mansion or a big fancy house. Im a simple person and have learned , that things dont hold value and they dont make your life..I want maybe a three bedroom house , not to big or to small just right .. like the house I grew up in .. a house with a big back yard for my dogies to grow old and play around on ..a nice big kitchen .. with an island !   I love cooking ..when I picture my future I picture myself entertaining my friends and family I LOVE COOKING .. To me making a satisfying meal that I created for someone and watching them enjoy it is amazing to me …next … a big front porch with a rocking swing .   Thatl be where hopefully me and my future husband will watch many sunsets together , enjoying our mimosas of course … Finally last request would be a big garage … one that we would fill with our bikes, camping gear, kayaks everything else ! My future husband who is stiil out there must love nature like me …

2Nd I want kids .. I wanna be able to if not adopt or do a suragate mom or some thing..I want a family unit..If its aboy I want to be able to show him to throw a ball or how punch ! Jaja .. if its a girl of course shed be spoiled ..with many many priness tea partys and everything in between.ive gone also looking for other single gay dads …figured thats the easy route. ..and plus I want stability ..

I want. My  house to be made into a home ..a home filled with love and many memories …

Im thankful for ..

Geting the oportunity to move to texas I have the careerI want and love my job … of course there are those other days.Moving to texas was one of the best things ever for me ..I learned to grow up .. of course i miss my family I miss seing my nieces and nephews grow up ..but im thankful when I do see them …when I moved in 2005 I was a different person ..I used to think there wasnt a god .. and cared nothing more then about myself ..now I see light , im happy.. My relationship with god is stronger then ever now Ive now changed amd love life ..im now know that im not meant to just party .. I want quite movie nights and bingo nights with friends .. funny how things change..

2Nd im thankful for my relationship that once was .. with edmundo It was a good 5 yrs ..I learned a lot about myself and how strong I am .. although we lost each other ..Im glad it happened .. now I will wait for my next love …hopefully the last in my life ..I may not have a partner now and want nothing more then to be in love but I want things to happen naturally.. ill sit here waiting for him..I know hes out there .

In terms of my future ..I m not sure about it  but nothings ever writen in stone and the future can always be changed…

DEALING WITH DADS DIAGNOSIS ,

SO recently I learned that my father has stage four lung cancer, , Random thoughts started to race through my head .many many  thoughts, from , will he live to how will , what when why . I have yet to accept and bring the fact that he does have it …I keep hoping its a a dream , and that ill wake up and will snap out of it .

But gone are the days and times of play time in the park with my father ,as reality sets in i prep for the worst but hope for the best at the same time . Maybe there is some what glimmer of life in him left To where he can fight it off. but who knows whats in store for us.

all i know is that he has been there for me through thick and thin and never once turned his back on me, LIKE when i came out , and many other times he could have shut the door on me and never did . Why is it yet that I can’t force myself to face him yet. Everytime I have called Ive had an emotional breakdown and just start crying . Now Here I sit not knowing what to do . How to act or be there for my family. How can i help . I havent called them in three days and begin to hate myself for it . knowing Im wrong for it . but how can i Help ?

is there really hope ? ?

I really don’t know what to do with myself at this point, which I’m also oddly at ease about. Ive been an emotionally ravaged zombie existing day-to-day without much inflection or opinion about anything occurring around me. Ive been THAT self absorbed. and part of me has been witnessing this trend from within, and wondering how long I was going to be incapable of shirking the toxicity and letting it simply grow to infest my entire outlook like his cancer. I suppose, barring any sudden regression (I’m very prone to jump the gun when I go through these phases and write posts like this. yes, its happened before. just not this drastically) I have my answer? Whatever part of me is now speaking has been quarantined in the back of mind fretting and pacing and adding to an overall feeling of anxiety about life and my perceived inability to influence it rather than be influenced by it. Piss and moan, eh? and yet i know i have to be there for him but how ? is telling a cancer pt itll be ok . really enough ? .

“I’ve never let…

“I’ve never let something get at me so badly that I can barely pick myself back up. I’ve never felt this fucking weak.

he killed my soul fraudalently .

Murder…Murder is defined by many mean s but what about emotional murder?  Can somoone hurt you so much that they murdered any last hope you hope you had ???that is how i feel right now like I was murdered … so yeah … ladies/ gents if you believe is  liar ..Just look into his phone ….get the code … its easy to spot whats being pressed when he enters the code. and if its a swipe code just watch his hands motions literally . Once you have unlocked the phone the phone will reveal all the truth … about your romeo .

Thats what happened to me . I looked at his phone and found a whole new world of someone who  YOU THOUGHT YOU  know .. it sucks to realize that youre not important to somoene but that is life .We come across people who think matter but dont. Mine had message from not just one ex but hundreds, litterally . All i cared about was one ex because in the others not once did he tell them I LOVE YOU … but they were all about sex.  which im fine with sexting . no issues on that front . but when you sit there texting Youre ex I LOVE YOU …I realize theres something more. Ladies take it from me theres no sense in being a third wheel or in my case the 100th . Let it go and move on . if you have any distrust , just go into his phone. and move on once the truth is found out .