Prince charming is really fucked up….I always get the good ones

So I just went out with a group of friends….Everything was fine.    Had a really nice time .But. I got home around 2it was an average night .. I get home fall asleep …the phone rings ..
Conversation was as follows …meanwhile im groggy and still half assed asleep ..
Me -where are you
Him- babe im at midtowne spa
Me -mmmmmm..your calling me to tell me this because ?
Him-I love you ..
Me-youve ignored my calls and text for three days.
Him-im fd up I need you
Me -what did you take ?
Him-extacy, ice coke and everything
Me -call a taxi

At this point im enraged ..and hang up on him….This is supposed to be someone im interested in and that I thought I waa getting to know ..

He rings me again

I answer

Him -I love i love you
****then he starts balling crying over the phone at this point I new he was really messed up ****
All im thinking is why me ! This has happened to me twice already. Same situation…DIFFERENT GUYS

So me being the good hearted man that I am …end up telling him .Ill pick you up ..so at 4 am there i am in front of midtowne spa waiting …for my individual….he walks to the car bearly ….hes that messed up ..He even tries t o kiss me …
***mind you midtowne spa is a sex club *** so here it is 4 am now …I drove him from dallas to garland ….he did n othing but cry all the way home. …I just turned up the music the whole time …and he sat there apologizing to me blaming it on his mental illnes * same as the other one* im thinking really bitch your 29 & shou ld have self control….I got more and more enraged the last one I took care of him still afyer all this …this one I just dropped him off at home and called it a day ..

Now getting to why I wrote this …Why do I always attract men with issues .??

  Ive taken care of every single type of gay man with issues …The one who was a whore, the crackhead, the selfish insecure one , the asswhole who did nothing but workout to make himself look better,the asswhole because he had money and felt like he could treat everyone like he wNted because of his money , the vein one ..Every type ..Ive had them. AND Im dumn enough to have still ” stayed ” with them.

Why can’t I just meet a normal healthy mentally and spiritual person .
I always get the broken ones that need fixed .

I cant be the fixer anymore its getting to me. .

I know perfect amd normal doesnt exist but wow ..a boy can only take so much …And yes all these bitches I took care of in the end  didnt even thank me .We arent even friends ….single life sucks and dating is the pitts. ..but im still hopeful theres a descent person out there for me.

PRETEND !! I think not , Reality Bites im puting out again and everything isn’t like yesterday

So as you all know ive always shared everything with you guys , well anyone out there who’s reading this .
But heres an update on mylife ,, My year long wait is over , I hadn’t been putting out as you all know for a while now , yEAH I KNOW Hoping : famed mr right was out there somewhere . But that didn’t happen. I guess you can say I caved in to temptation or just lost hope , one or the other . I know im only a man , and men are never perfection . Perfection is obsulete.. Or well misrepresented. Well this story is rather graphic about my first account , and how all i felt was awkward . Yes thats what I said Awkward . not satisfied, just awkward .

I met this guy using grindr ..

I had gotten bored one night and redownloaded it . for those of you not in the loop of what it is grindr is a location based app, you download load a profile on it and upload a picture and a little brief ” ABOUT ME ” Section .. So yeah I had been on the app before , but evertime I meet someone off it , It would be a disaster… Grndr is a famous ” HOOKUP ” site, it takes away any human connection it’s usually people flashing nothing but their junk in your inbox . I spend half the night blocking and deleting peoples pics..Leads me to really believe that ” good ” honest caring men aren’t out there. I think im becoming more jaded as I get older .. But people always have proven it for me ..
but still keep the of there is someone out there for me either way

Well back to my story anywho , Meet this guy he seemed really cute, I messaged him which is something out of the ordinary for me . I usually always wait for anyone to initiate contact. …But I couldn’t resist it . He was so cute, YES not showing his picture.
for (names of thoses involved ) ” andrew” _my favorite white boy name.. WELL he seemed perfectly charming and classy , which is hard to find. We went to this nice restaurant Had an awesome conversation
and we seemed to really hit if off together, I felt like I was talking to my long lost bestfriend it was that instant , and those who have read my blog in the past know how gaurded and distant I can be. I know in the past I’ve lost good men that wanted to be with me because of my own selfish insecurities * ive pushed them away * . But I fell into his gaze instantly , I had never felt that before or in a long long time, with anyone. It felt so good . And I wanted to once just believe it.. So to cut a story short ..dinnee , no drinks we were actually sober, no alcohol .. somehow I allowed myself to end up at his place,” he said movies ” as we were supposedly driving to starbucks . But yeah , I don’t want to get to graphic with all the details but before I knew it , my dick was in his mouth it felt good but after when I got home I satup all night thinking ” alonso what did you do ” it just felt .awkward to me Ive never had that feeling after sex,.. We then finished our deed we hugged and kissed and I left. So we talked for several weeks and saw each other several times then after weeks of talking and surprisingly those next times we meet nothing happened sexually ,, we meet for dinner then more movies several times …. then till a bout a month after talking ” we meet again then I Went over and serviced him . duh orally . Oral is all we have done…still saving myself “sortof”
Everything was fine afterwards , bu then I noticed the changes in him .. he stopped talking to me less and less.. the usual ” im not into you signs” then one day I noticed this fucker blocked me on the app we meet .. So i assumed we were over, but he continued talking to me afterwards like nothing happened , I confronted him and he flat out lied to me and said he hadn’t , He even seemed more interested in me again .. thinking maybe he deleted it and wanted something more serious; But of course , Me and my fault finding skills never let up . so I deleted the app again reinstalled it again .. and low and behold I was right , he was there, on the app still active .but we madeup after the confrontation , and all seems Well..

Deep down . I already can feel like it’s going to have an end . Even though I offered to open things up and told him flat out that If we did do a relationship I didn’t mind an open one …. I didn’t think we were there , or anything for that matter anyways…* you know me , don’t believe in labels* just respect and honesty .. I get the ” i like you ” story for now . from him.

But Have you guys ever felt like if it feels like there is going to be an end why do you start something ???? Truth Is I know I know im ignorant and probably know my answer ,but it seems that we want what we can’t have . Or a part of me is just wanting to keep the hope alive. But DONT WANT pretend.. Im all about honesty .. If you wanna be with me then tell me everyhthing . If you are only wanting to fuck me then tell me right off the back . If you are wanting to screw around with others Im fine , just dont play head games.. Why is that so hard for men to understand ???

so eitherway answer to my problem lies in grindr , Back to the grind I say its a like a addiction but in a way it’s also the solution.. iN THE Midst of all this , I started talking to another whom Im hopefully meeting this weekend. He seems really put together. ( i cant put all my eggs in one baskeT ) and dont know if the other one is just confused or unsure of what he really wants but well see how things go with the new friend. OTHER one for now is there but at a distance. 😉 , always shaking it off and moving forward . .letting go is something Ive learned to do very fast ,,,just like my girl taylor sais ” shake it off ” lol right
I still pray that my mr right is out there .
anyways tips and comments good bad whatevers appreciated

//

textually active * activate my last nerve.

 

 

why is it always that the people that piss you off the most are the people you actually want to talk to like your crush , or that guy your seeing .

 

OK so I never initiate this kinda of text but a couple of days go I’m like

<hey guy wanna do some Skype.

and yes my text was ignored, NOT cool … I didn’t get aresponse for another 2 freaking . days .. and all he was was like .Oh i was I was tired  and im thinking in the back of my head  <what , three finger punches dude NO(SEND) would’ve  been all I needed and been fine with it .  And well It just means this moron had better options and I’m nobodys option b..I’m either your option A or we no option at all .

2nd pet peeve , FB FRIENDS… you see them update their status and there all like  “WATCHING ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK ON NETFLIX , OMG LOVE THIS SHOW”  you message them on their phone  (because your friends and your cool like that )  unlike their other 80 billion Facebook friends.  and then 3 hours go buy and absolutely nothing .. not a response at all .  I’m like really ,, doesn’t take that long of a courtesy to say ,, something like busy , brb.. or respond;; cant talk right now brb … BRB something short in response would be nice instead of leaving me hanging . With no response at all .. and then i’m left sitting at home all pissed and like ” I hate orange is the new black ” night ruined; that’d be FACEBOOK status update after something like that . LOL

 

3rd pet peeve , Use of the word cool. COOL to me is like telling someone ” I don’t give a fuck”. How in the hell do you come back from that ? in chat rooms and dating apps if a guys answer to anything is “cool ” then Im usually turned off and dismiss from dating potential .. You just cant go anywhere from there for reals .

 

4th pet peeve.. K.. K shouldnt be the answer to any thing other then stating a fact or awaiting confirmation .  Example

on the way to your place ; k

on the way home can you pickup a burger from  mc; k

see what I mean , awaiting confirmation or stating a fact .

5th pet peeve .

when someone  Initiate s a conversation with you : Example , HE SENT me

Im at chipotle , what ya doing ;; my response ; relaxing at home watching tv.. then after that nothing .. * dont leave me hanging*  .. period .

 

One day if I text you dont be surprised if your walking out your house and see me sitting  outside chances are you pissed me off and im about to go mortal combat on you. And it just means I texted you and you didnt answer . Your fault.  Im weird like that .  Common courtesy goes along way .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

askhole* yeah you . 85% of my friends ;-) love ya .

So we all have that one friend whos always coming to you for advice,  Then we gladly give it to them .. And of course that fucker goes and does the exact opposite of what you tell them to do .. I  mean think about it me as your friend will come back to you and answer with all complete honesty all you people know that the friend will value you and tell you the right thing to do . When you come to me im  a give ya my opinion but ill probably also pull out all the good stuff like , graphs, charts, reporst, hell even google analytics shit on ya .. So there for you know Im invested in your well being .

Dont come back at with the same problem over and over; Ill give you two phone calls on the same issue then were done .. example of what i mean ..

 

me -hi

friend- Whos that nice looking  girl on your fb leaving all them comments,

me – her name is (eva ) shes ok and hot but ,, crazy ! .

 

Two weeks later ;; same friend

me -hi

friend- hey i hooked up with that eva girl…* shes crazy

me-told ya so

****meanwhile* evas in car in front of my friends house in her car with baniculars  doing lord knows what.. See I told ya she was crazy …

 

Thats an askhole ….

 

another example,

me- you found your boyfriend deleting message s again , and he still doesnt appreciate you .. * didnt we have this conversation before * mmmmm

 

See caring is one thing but buy the thrid time that your coming at me with the same problem , Im just not gona care , dont be surprised if I  show up at your front door and go madea on you ..

When you ask for a friends advice if you already  know your gonna do the exact opposite then dont bother coming to me with the problem ! !!!..

DEALING WITH DADS DIAGNOSIS ,

SO recently I learned that my father has stage four lung cancer, , Random thoughts started to race through my head .many many  thoughts, from , will he live to how will , what when why . I have yet to accept and bring the fact that he does have it …I keep hoping its a a dream , and that ill wake up and will snap out of it .

But gone are the days and times of play time in the park with my father ,as reality sets in i prep for the worst but hope for the best at the same time . Maybe there is some what glimmer of life in him left To where he can fight it off. but who knows whats in store for us.

all i know is that he has been there for me through thick and thin and never once turned his back on me, LIKE when i came out , and many other times he could have shut the door on me and never did . Why is it yet that I can’t force myself to face him yet. Everytime I have called Ive had an emotional breakdown and just start crying . Now Here I sit not knowing what to do . How to act or be there for my family. How can i help . I havent called them in three days and begin to hate myself for it . knowing Im wrong for it . but how can i Help ?

is there really hope ? ?

I really don’t know what to do with myself at this point, which I’m also oddly at ease about. Ive been an emotionally ravaged zombie existing day-to-day without much inflection or opinion about anything occurring around me. Ive been THAT self absorbed. and part of me has been witnessing this trend from within, and wondering how long I was going to be incapable of shirking the toxicity and letting it simply grow to infest my entire outlook like his cancer. I suppose, barring any sudden regression (I’m very prone to jump the gun when I go through these phases and write posts like this. yes, its happened before. just not this drastically) I have my answer? Whatever part of me is now speaking has been quarantined in the back of mind fretting and pacing and adding to an overall feeling of anxiety about life and my perceived inability to influence it rather than be influenced by it. Piss and moan, eh? and yet i know i have to be there for him but how ? is telling a cancer pt itll be ok . really enough ? .

“I’ve never let…

“I’ve never let something get at me so badly that I can barely pick myself back up. I’ve never felt this fucking weak.

Run as Fast as you can …

Weve all been in those relationships that just werent meant to be , I ve learned alot in my past relationships and now have concurrent evidence , If You a wonderful self loving respecting human beings  sees any of the following please Run ! Dont be stupid and stay . thinking it itll work it out self . Relationships no matter how fucked up run a course of there own taking us through many winding unnessary turns that could have been stopped long before we turned.  !!! ..this is just not taken from one of my relationship s … This is what I have learned from my long list that goes on and on through out my dating games. and through my gentlemen callers.  ….  but ill do the top ten …….signs That should have you running for the hills……in otherwords  as they say cut the cord ——>>>>>>

1.. if he sais ” I LOVE YOU ” within the first 1 week of dating . Run .. Youre gonna have major issues later along the lines. … I mean really unless that person has self loathing issues then why else would it be so easy for them to be spouting ” I LOVE YOU ” .. WITHIN a WEEK !!!! . no references intended ! and yes u know who u are if you re reading this .

2. He uses pot , unless you can deal with the after math , really if you need him in an emergency situation is he going to be able to walk to you to help you get or be to fd up that he cant event walk to youre rescue , its prolly not going to work .call it survival reasons .

3 . He keeps in contact with any of his ex’s … There called x’s for a reason . if it wasn’t meant to be in the first place then you shouldn’t be in contact with any of your’e no matter what , whether its ” oh were trying to be friends ” oh yeah right whatever .. we’ve all heard that one .before.. * fuck buddy comes to mind ,AT Least in my past self experiences anyways . yeah Im a blunt person . …**** ..

.4.  He drinks…. drinking is ok but in small controlled quantities………

If you ‘ve had to hold youre mans head up a whole night after going club , while he spits up his insides on you  its just not love trust me on this . .. Its just not going to work … many reasons. behind this one . hygene , etc.

5…SEXUAL REFERENCES. …..

yEAH , iF HE/she constantly , talks about his /her past experiences . Its not going to work  . means there either just plain whores , and not satisfied fully with you . Why else would they spout that kinda talk in front of you . Really . Think about this one . long and deep . Do you love yourself ?

6.LOCKED CELL PHONE . ……….

Cell phones hold all you need to know , I f a person won’t unlock there cell phone for any reason . ITs becuase they are hiding shit , really dont get youre panties in a twist over this one .. trust me they have a lock code for a reason , (you) …. and that whole placing phones face down . and answering in any other is  a red flag ! … for reals . i always keep mine unlocked because well  I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. if im fucking someone else ill tell you all about it.

7.bipolar … def of bipolar . someone who will fuck up youre day… yeah .. reading a persons text messages is an indicator  … like one minute … oh “””im happy”  next  “i love you “..next” im gonna killyoure dogies” … to oh “im sorry i wanna be with you forever ” yeah thats bipolar … …

8. he wears womans underclothes, I believe its  called a fetish .. but fetishes only imply during sex. ? am I right or wrong ?????? if he wears them all day ,,, its not normal . I know in my list of gentlemen callers I ‘ve encountered alot of real freaks . for reals ….lol

9. paraphrasing of movie quotes, brought into real life …. for example >>>>>>>

Devil Wears Prada scene where the main lead is told ” please take your time you know how i love it when move at a glacial pace …. it just thrils me”   .

YEAH to me its just not cute, ….and it gets annoying after  a while >>.its cute at the beginning but just dont do it , its fd up . for reals .

10…..you ve had doubts of your own .. if you have ever questioned you wanted this ,and wondered like an idiot ” is this really it for me ” . then yes its not going to work out . … you re answer lies in your e question.

those are my reasons for running. if it was you .,  ” IT JUST DIDNT WORK OUT

” AS swift put it , we are never getting back together again .

ZOMBIE

Zombie

05/11/2012
So its  now  5:45 pm Here I am at work still . I’m on  my 4th cup of coffee already . Thank god my company likes to keep us jazzed with all the free caffeine we can take !!! And I  just reached for a  7UP can . Everyone has left the office is now empty.

I work for “ the electricity company “  and yet here I am sitting and yet I feel like I’m not even here like I just went through the  whole workday and don’t even remember what I said or did four hours ago . …. Let alone what I had for lunch.

Is that sign that, I’ve become a zombie to the job?  A job which once 3 years ago I
Felt excited about ; and  loved the thought of  coming to work. It was the very first job that I can honestly I used to look forward to coming to everyday.
. I work in customer service, yeah the  “ why is my bill high”  eternal question type of job. Some days I just wanna shoot the person on the other line. !!! I mean really is it that hard to understand youre energy bill , just turn youre shit off and it’ll be much better ! but of course I can’t do that  .

Oh well  geez I wish I Could be like the POWERINCORPORATED commercials if you haven’t seen them or don’t know what I am talking about AND aren’t from texas heres samples ;  geez this would give customer services a whole new turn lol herese some samples.

But how is it that people just go through life like a zombie punching a time card everyday and not doing what they love? Have you ever wanted to do what you love and get paid for it ? Im no dummy and know that bills need to be paid but how can you love what ya do ?  What you do is only a part of you it doesn’t define who you are.

That’s why im praying that my photography works out ! well see what the future holds . But until then I’m in my little cubicle trapped. Is a job just like a relationship how do I rekindle the fire I once felt for my job?

remembering and decisions * to face in life

Its  the week that we remember 09.11.2001 , to get started i remember like it was yesterday . I remember i was off that day had just gotten out of bed a couple of mins followed the usual  routine i had just taken a shower when the first news of  it  came on the air. I remember loouking at the first tower as it smoldered with the big gaping whole in it , It was something that I never thought i would live through  in my life ,at the time i was 21 ,living at home and  working for tmobile at the time , I remember looking at the TV and wondering if it was for real ; or if i was just watching another hollywood movie ; i dont think at the time first transmissions came that anyone really understood that it was a terrorist attack  at the time . Itt  was hard to believe that it was real . But it did happen. I can imagine the horror that the people in the towelrs must have felt. Who in there  lifetime ever thinks about how there going to die ? I dont  think death is an every day subject that anyone sits around thinking about ,

What shocked me the most was those images of those people jumping from the tower  . I couldnt believe or begin to phathom the thought of what those people must of felt , for anyone to decide and take control of there own death the way they did . They had choices. Not good ones but i do believe that those who jumped psychology its a matter of self control . I guess we all realize we cant cheat death but if we had the choise of choosing how to die; which would it be ? Or maybe i realize and think that in the end some just wanted to breathe clean air  and not have to die smothered in flames beyond recognition. at least if you jump you can still be identified. Which is what I honestly think that these people were thinking ; I remember the couple who jumped to there on the day they jumped holding hands, or the woman who jumped still clutching on to her purse the most thing i remember is this image of this man ; the image is known world wide is the falling man . He was never identified . Its thought to believe that we know who it is but not 100% sure. I believe that everyone is entitled to any decision whether it be out of desperation or need or something you want to do ; These images to me are the most haunting of 09-11 to me anyways  There something that touches the soulf of anyone who sees them . To see these people fluttering through the air. but In the end i think I see where they would choosse this over any other way of dying. I guess its  a feeling of flying to heaven . Where i know they all are  . Remember 09-11 . Life can change an instant. never forget 09-11 . to remember is to respect lives taht were lost that day  .