So I just went out with a group of friends….Everything was fine. Had a really nice time .But. I got home around 2it was an average night .. I get home fall asleep …the phone rings ..
Conversation was as follows …meanwhile im groggy and still half assed asleep ..
Me -where are you
Him- babe im at midtowne spa
Me -mmmmmm..your calling me to tell me this because ?
Him-I love you ..
Me-youve ignored my calls and text for three days.
Him-im fd up I need you
Me -what did you take ?
Him-extacy, ice coke and everything
Me -call a taxi
At this point im enraged ..and hang up on him….This is supposed to be someone im interested in and that I thought I waa getting to know ..
He rings me again
I answer
Him -I love i love you
****then he starts balling crying over the phone at this point I new he was really messed up ****
All im thinking is why me ! This has happened to me twice already. Same situation…DIFFERENT GUYS
So me being the good hearted man that I am …end up telling him .Ill pick you up ..so at 4 am there i am in front of midtowne spa waiting …for my individual….he walks to the car bearly ….hes that messed up ..He even tries t o kiss me …
***mind you midtowne spa is a sex club *** so here it is 4 am now …I drove him from dallas to garland ….he did n othing but cry all the way home. …I just turned up the music the whole time …and he sat there apologizing to me blaming it on his mental illnes * same as the other one* im thinking really bitch your 29 & shou ld have self control….I got more and more enraged the last one I took care of him still afyer all this …this one I just dropped him off at home and called it a day ..
Now getting to why I wrote this …Why do I always attract men with issues .??
Ive taken care of every single type of gay man with issues …The one who was a whore, the crackhead, the selfish insecure one , the asswhole who did nothing but workout to make himself look better,the asswhole because he had money and felt like he could treat everyone like he wNted because of his money , the vein one ..Every type ..Ive had them. AND Im dumn enough to have still ” stayed ” with them.
Why can’t I just meet a normal healthy mentally and spiritual person .
I always get the broken ones that need fixed .
I cant be the fixer anymore its getting to me. .
I know perfect amd normal doesnt exist but wow ..a boy can only take so much …And yes all these bitches I took care of in the end didnt even thank me .We arent even friends ….single life sucks and dating is the pitts. ..but im still hopeful theres a descent person out there for me.
So as you all know ive always shared everything with you guys , well anyone out there who’s reading this .
But heres an update on mylife ,, My year long wait is over , I hadn’t been putting out as you all know for a while now , yEAH I KNOW Hoping : famed mr right was out there somewhere . But that didn’t happen. I guess you can say I caved in to temptation or just lost hope , one or the other . I know im only a man , and men are never perfection . Perfection is obsulete.. Or well misrepresented. Well this story is rather graphic about my first account , and how all i felt was awkward . Yes thats what I said Awkward . not satisfied, just awkward .
I met this guy using grindr ..
I had gotten bored one night and redownloaded it . for those of you not in the loop of what it is grindr is a location based app, you download load a profile on it and upload a picture and a little brief ” ABOUT ME ” Section .. So yeah I had been on the app before , but evertime I meet someone off it , It would be a disaster… Grndr is a famous ” HOOKUP ” site, it takes away any human connection it’s usually people flashing nothing but their junk in your inbox . I spend half the night blocking and deleting peoples pics..Leads me to really believe that ” good ” honest caring men aren’t out there. I think im becoming more jaded as I get older .. But people always have proven it for me ..
but still keep the of there is someone out there for me either way
Well back to my story anywho , Meet this guy he seemed really cute, I messaged him which is something out of the ordinary for me . I usually always wait for anyone to initiate contact. …But I couldn’t resist it . He was so cute, YES not showing his picture.
for (names of thoses involved ) ” andrew” _my favorite white boy name.. WELL he seemed perfectly charming and classy , which is hard to find. We went to this nice restaurant Had an awesome conversation
and we seemed to really hit if off together, I felt like I was talking to my long lost bestfriend it was that instant , and those who have read my blog in the past know how gaurded and distant I can be. I know in the past I’ve lost good men that wanted to be with me because of my own selfish insecurities * ive pushed them away * . But I fell into his gaze instantly , I had never felt that before or in a long long time, with anyone. It felt so good . And I wanted to once just believe it.. So to cut a story short ..dinnee , no drinks we were actually sober, no alcohol .. somehow I allowed myself to end up at his place,” he said movies ” as we were supposedly driving to starbucks . But yeah , I don’t want to get to graphic with all the details but before I knew it , my dick was in his mouth it felt good but after when I got home I satup all night thinking ” alonso what did you do ” it just felt .awkward to me Ive never had that feeling after sex,.. We then finished our deed we hugged and kissed and I left. So we talked for several weeks and saw each other several times then after weeks of talking and surprisingly those next times we meet nothing happened sexually ,, we meet for dinner then more movies several times …. then till a bout a month after talking ” we meet again then I Went over and serviced him . duh orally . Oral is all we have done…still saving myself “sortof”
Everything was fine afterwards , bu then I noticed the changes in him .. he stopped talking to me less and less.. the usual ” im not into you signs” then one day I noticed this fucker blocked me on the app we meet .. So i assumed we were over, but he continued talking to me afterwards like nothing happened , I confronted him and he flat out lied to me and said he hadn’t , He even seemed more interested in me again .. thinking maybe he deleted it and wanted something more serious; But of course , Me and my fault finding skills never let up . so I deleted the app again reinstalled it again .. and low and behold I was right , he was there, on the app still active .but we madeup after the confrontation , and all seems Well..
Deep down . I already can feel like it’s going to have an end . Even though I offered to open things up and told him flat out that If we did do a relationship I didn’t mind an open one …. I didn’t think we were there , or anything for that matter anyways…* you know me , don’t believe in labels* just respect and honesty .. I get the ” i like you ” story for now . from him.
But Have you guys ever felt like if it feels like there is going to be an end why do you start something ???? Truth Is I know I know im ignorant and probably know my answer ,but it seems that we want what we can’t have . Or a part of me is just wanting to keep the hope alive. But DONT WANT pretend.. Im all about honesty .. If you wanna be with me then tell me everyhthing . If you are only wanting to fuck me then tell me right off the back . If you are wanting to screw around with others Im fine , just dont play head games.. Why is that so hard for men to understand ???
so eitherway answer to my problem lies in grindr , Back to the grind I say its a like a addiction but in a way it’s also the solution.. iN THE Midst of all this , I started talking to another whom Im hopefully meeting this weekend. He seems really put together. ( i cant put all my eggs in one baskeT ) and dont know if the other one is just confused or unsure of what he really wants but well see how things go with the new friend. OTHER one for now is there but at a distance. 😉 , always shaking it off and moving forward . .letting go is something Ive learned to do very fast ,,,just like my girl taylor sais ” shake it off ” lol right
I still pray that my mr right is out there .
anyways tips and comments good bad whatevers appreciated
why is it always that the people that piss you off the most are the people you actually want to talk to like your crush , or that guy your seeing .
OK so I never initiate this kinda of text but a couple of days go I’m like
<hey guy wanna do some Skype.
and yes my text was ignored, NOT cool … I didn’t get aresponse for another 2 freaking . days .. and all he was was like .Oh i was I was tired and im thinking in the back of my head <what , three finger punches dude NO(SEND) would’ve been all I needed and been fine with it . And well It just means this moron had better options and I’m nobodys option b..I’m either your option A or we no option at all .
2nd pet peeve , FB FRIENDS… you see them update their status and there all like “WATCHING ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK ON NETFLIX , OMG LOVE THIS SHOW” you message them on their phone (because your friends and your cool like that ) unlike their other 80 billion Facebook friends. and then 3 hours go buy and absolutely nothing .. not a response at all . I’m like really ,, doesn’t take that long of a courtesy to say ,, something like busy , brb.. or respond;; cant talk right now brb … BRB something short in response would be nice instead of leaving me hanging . With no response at all .. and then i’m left sitting at home all pissed and like ” I hate orange is the new black ” night ruined; that’d be FACEBOOK status update after something like that . LOL
3rd pet peeve , Use of the word cool. COOL to me is like telling someone ” I don’t give a fuck”. How in the hell do you come back from that ? in chat rooms and dating apps if a guys answer to anything is “cool ” then Im usually turned off and dismiss from dating potential .. You just cant go anywhere from there for reals .
4th pet peeve.. K.. K shouldnt be the answer to any thing other then stating a fact or awaiting confirmation . Example
on the way to your place ; k
on the way home can you pickup a burger from mc; k
see what I mean , awaiting confirmation or stating a fact .
5th pet peeve .
when someone Initiate s a conversation with you : Example , HE SENT me
Im at chipotle , what ya doing ;; my response ; relaxing at home watching tv.. then after that nothing .. * dont leave me hanging* .. period .
One day if I text you dont be surprised if your walking out your house and see me sitting outside chances are you pissed me off and im about to go mortal combat on you. And it just means I texted you and you didnt answer . Your fault. Im weird like that . Common courtesy goes along way .
Recently I’ve been feeling so disconnected from everyone, as if i am on another page. I am a pretty social person,always the life of the party .confident. smart, I know Im not ugly, and I have a family to come home to at night Well my dogs , lol I consider them family but I’ve been feeling so depressed and lonely for some reason I cant come up with an answer ..
I’ve recently figured out myself that I cant trust anyone in this world except for your family .
I know that having a well established relationship with someone helps alot in times like these were I feel like the worlds against me because I’ve had a Boyfriend before but I just dont have any motivation at all anymore to even bother with one right now.
When I go on “dates” its like hes here and im always ways over there in another world. I like the people who i meet but the connection itself hasnt been strong enough, I just dont know if its me or them ? . I cant seem to connect anyof them . Is it that ive been so jaded that keeping to myself is a selfpreservation thing ? or what ?? How can it be this hard when love is what I want the most .
Iim losing my self confidence, self esteem, and i feel a little depressed because everything was really good at one point were even if I didnt have a guy i can always be a little happy with Who I am ,
I am so confused about life its driving me insane..
The issue has been hot in the news lately and It just breaks my heart when I read the nasty comments that some people have left behind on the issue. Yes it probably shouldn’t be our issue but in the end if you can help a child why would you turn your back on a poor defenseless little child. These parents that sent them here aren’t evil .. They sent them here with the hopes of better future. We can’t judge them harshly for this . We aren’t in the same situation as they are . I don’t see how parents are doing this. It takes alot of need and courage to send your child away alone. I may not have a kid but I have dogs and I can’t even imagine them getting lost out there alone. These kids are lost alone, scared,hungry and im sure trusting those coyotes that don’t care about anything but themselves and the money they bring in .
A solace disregard for these children wont do anything . Why are we not doing anything about this ? all i hear Is our homeless. our vets our problem. Love and help out as much as you can people . If you can help help in anyway. I volunteer at a nursing home and also a childrens cancer center.
Im not better for this , Im just doing my little part.
So its tuesday night … here I sit alone , again..nothing but the noises of my dogs play fighting . Today was trying I feel stressed overworked .. generally unsatisfied but thankful..
View from my front porch …
Thats me ..tired sunburned and peeling ..lol
My day started off with a usual routine I got up, showered got dressed loaded my bike into the car and , went to work like most normal people . Other than my normal the only thing I did was have lunch with my friend Lucy at royal chopstix .
.its become a weekly ritual for me ..and yes I always order the same thing .. orange chicken and steamed rice.
After my long what felt eternal shift I went out and did a few miles on my favorite trail ..then I came home ..
Stressed and alone I just put chicken in the oven to bake …so I then made a mimosa ..andre, mangoes and oj … love them
Im now here sitting on my porch
I dont know why but I began to think about my future and the things im thankful for …
Thoughts came pouring in …
*above is screenshot from google earth view of my house *back home …
1St what I want is a house ..owning land and establishing yourself on this earth is something we all want ..I dont want a mansion or a big fancy house. Im a simple person and have learned , that things dont hold value and they dont make your life..I want maybe a three bedroom house , not to big or to small just right .. like the house I grew up in .. a house with a big back yard for my dogies to grow old and play around on ..a nice big kitchen .. with an island ! I love cooking ..when I picture my future I picture myself entertaining my friends and family I LOVE COOKING .. To me making a satisfying meal that I created for someone and watching them enjoy it is amazing to me …next … a big front porch with a rocking swing . Thatl be where hopefully me and my future husband will watch many sunsets together , enjoying our mimosas of course … Finally last request would be a big garage … one that we would fill with our bikes, camping gear, kayaks everything else ! My future husband who is stiil out there must love nature like me …
2Nd I want kids .. I wanna be able to if not adopt or do a suragate mom or some thing..I want a family unit..If its aboy I want to be able to show him to throw a ball or how punch ! Jaja .. if its a girl of course shed be spoiled ..with many many priness tea partys and everything in between.ive gone also looking for other single gay dads …figured thats the easy route. ..and plus I want stability ..
I want. My house to be made into a home ..a home filled with love and many memories …
Im thankful for ..
Geting the oportunity to move to texas I have the careerI want and love my job … of course there are those other days.Moving to texas was one of the best things ever for me ..I learned to grow up .. of course i miss my family I miss seing my nieces and nephews grow up ..but im thankful when I do see them …when I moved in 2005 I was a different person ..I used to think there wasnt a god .. and cared nothing more then about myself ..now I see light , im happy.. My relationship with god is stronger then ever now Ive now changed amd love life ..im now know that im not meant to just party .. I want quite movie nights and bingo nights with friends .. funny how things change..
2Nd im thankful for my relationship that once was .. with edmundo It was a good 5 yrs ..I learned a lot about myself and how strong I am .. although we lost each other ..Im glad it happened .. now I will wait for my next love …hopefully the last in my life ..I may not have a partner now and want nothing more then to be in love but I want things to happen naturally.. ill sit here waiting for him..I know hes out there .
In terms of my future ..I m not sure about it but nothings ever writen in stone and the future can always be changed…
Last night while out on the town again, on one of my fabulous nigthlife excursions ..
A sense of belonging came over me. I dont know why but it just diD. Usually I have always thrived being alone without anyone . But as stood at the tin room all alonE.Surrounded by a crowd of people I felt very alone .
I began to notice something . After going out alone so many times I just realized that the one thing missing from my life is a group of friends. Yes you know a group of friends like the group on friends the tv show. The ones you know will be there for you when you just wanna go out and hangout and leave the rest of your problems behind.The ones that will call you Just to see how you are and and actually want to know and friends just that just want to seek you out.
I realized that when it comes to the majority of the “friends” I have im usually the one seeking them out to get together. Go out and do stuff . After soul searching I only have two friend and thats Marian AND Jacob the rest of them that I had I had to Give them up for the sake of my relationship. *When your in love you do stupid shit* For some unknown reason my ex never seemed to be able to get along with any of my friends. There was many arguments when my friends would come over. Yet I was always able to get along with his.. In fact I became very close to them. They all quit talking to me once we splitup at that point I didnt have anyone left . .Yet I gave up my friends for someone who i thought was going to be apart of my life forever . And Now im paying the price of my mistakes. And just cant seem to bring myself to allow myself into a ” group” of friends. Jacob was one relationship that I was able to recover after the messup that was my ex Edmundo . Im thankful for his friendship, its been a 12 year friendship with JACOB . love him . And thank you to Marian , youve alway s been there for me . LOVE YA
1st pic me and jacob , 2nd middle pic me and Marian , 3RD ME and edmundo , edmundos the one with the glasses ..
Now I sit here wondering why am I feeling lonely . Im happy and content with my life but just want to fill it up a bit more . I just wish someone would genuinely care about me even just as a friend . I believe I am a good person and ive always been outward and outspoken , But why am I having such a hard time connecting with people in general?
So ,thiS is about a “ date” from last night , awkward one , that I had , don’t know how to feel about it so decided to do what I do best , and write about .
Ok so we all have apps on our telephone for dating, don’t judge me. Still searching for Mr right, well this is the story about “Andrew” and my awkward “ date” , date used loosely . Andrew is a guy that I have been talking to on and off for a brief week. We had had good conversations over the phone, thought that he could be possibly someone that I might like and might be more with. You know that feeling.
Well anyway s we finally had the opportunity to hangout last night , We met for drinks at applebees at around 1000 pm last night , which was ok I never put pressure on a date or label a date a date , its usually just hanging out to me . But anyways, a little about him hes 19, a corrections officer. I had put him off and never met him just because of the age difference , I Know they say age is just a number, not entirely true. There are differences. One thing I have noticed is the immaturity levels for example when a couple with a 10 year difference or something like that that usually after a breakup the oldest one in the relationship always takes longer to move on while the younger one is usually quick and moving on fast to the next one… Im fine where I am at my age, but sometimes younger folks just want to move to fast .And that was exactly the issue with him, I Could see stars in his eyes as he was talking to me , In the back of mind im thinking “hes one of those” I can like a a guy but wont give in unless I know him first. And just becuase i say i like you dont read to much into it . I like getting to know the person and not rush in at all into anything . IvE DONE that before and its gotten me nowhere good and it usually ends quick and horribly. AS you cane see by my previous many posts .
Why does everyone have to move into and label everything ? why not just get know to the real person . I wish I could find someone who could devote time to me in this aspect and not expect anything from it . I know we are all searching for love and want love but why not let things happen naturally ? we may say we don’t but in the end what are we living for ? were humans and as humans we all want to be loved .
Today Ive already felt like a broke his heart he was texting me the usual . so whatd you think ? feel anything ? I did for you, so he told me . It scares me when people want something so fast . I finally had to tell him ok we can be friends and get to know each other , but just realize that just because I like you doesn’t mean anything or that it may lead to anything . Then he just totally got pissed and the messages changed in tone , in terms of his responses to me . Oh well who knows what will happen with this one , guess another one bites the dust .
Was I too harsh with him ? or what other thing could I said , Im ready for a relationship , but just don’t want to rush anything and make bad choices again . How do I explain this to people , without sounding like a douche ?
“I woke up this morning from a dream that we were lying in bed together on a lazy summer morning. The blinds were half drawn, with daylight pouring through, projecting lines on your body as your cell phone rang. You answered to talk to your mom and you pretended you were alone while I buried my face in your shoulder and watched you come up with a lie as to why you were still in bed at 2 in the afternoon. I could practically smell your skin and feel the warmth of your body against mine, that is, until I woke up and you weren’t there beside me. Seeing that empty space and lonely pillow served as a crude reminder that you were gone.
I know we don’t talk anymore, but it’s late at night and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because there’s that slight chance I might dream about you again, as if having to think about you all day isn’t already enough. In a few hours, I’ll wake up, shower, make coffee, and go to works knowing that when I finish work, you won’t be waiting for me at my apartment to ask me how my day went. Instead, I’ll get home to my empty place and make dinner alone, all the while knowing that the only person I want to tell about my day is the only person I can’t talk to.
I’ve been a complete mess since you left, as much as I like to tell myself that that isn’t true. A literal wreckage of self-pity and heartache not include everything else that’s bad in my life since you left . that I wasn’t even aware I was capable of feeling until I was alone . Since you’ve left, I’ve tried as much as I can to take down things of yours or things that reminded me of you. Consequently, my place is now littered with piles of miscellaneous things constantly reminding me that even though you’re gone, I’ll never be able to erase you from my mind. I confess that sometimes I still take your pillow out of my closet for comfort, hoping maybe I’ll catch the slightest bit of your scent, and remember what it was like to have you here.
In the time that you’ve been gone, I’ve reluctantly started the process of getting on with my life without you in it. Awkwardly filling the gaps you once occupied with new hobbies, old friends, shitty movies, and writing about you more than I’d care to admit. Despite all of my efforts to start a clean slate and wipe you out of my mind entirely, I keep thinking that with enough time, you’ll change your mind. That you’ll realize you made a mistake. That you want me back. That you want to find happiness with me and be “us” again. That you still love me like you did. I keep thinking that you’ll simply change your mind and you’ll show up on my doorstep, realizing what you’ve been missing.
But I don’t want you to change your mind, I want you to make up your mind. I want you to make up your mind that it is me, that it’ll always be me. That I wasn’t naive for loving you so deeply and believing you when you said “always & forever” to me. I want you to make up your mind that while, yes, there are hundreds or thousands or even millions of guys that you could be with who might be better suited for you or make you happier than I did, that I’ll always be the only one that you love. I want you to make up your mind that the person who makes you happiest and makes your life feel worth living is me.
But I don’t know when or if that will happen, or if I even truly want that to happen, and that’s the hardest part about all of this. The possibility that the love of your life may just simply not be me, and that who I thought was the love of my life, might just not be you.
Until I figure that out, I’ll go through each and every day putting one foot in front of the other while working hard to convince everyone that I am fine knowing that you’re somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. I will try my best to put you out of my mind and “keep on keeping on”, like you told me to do. That is, until my phone vibrates.Or until” thank you” BY alaniss morrisette comes on Or until I have to go to sleep. And until I fall apart again, like I tend to do, and have to find a way to cope… without you.”
Im not arguing , Im just explaining why im right !... 