Why aren`t experiences and perception universal .Why are they coloured with our past .
He said I love you ..Am I supposed to just let it go now that hes no longer cranked out on whatever he was on …
Maybe I was just hooked on the idea of finally being with someone again .Now that the fire has been put out .How do I still forgive him and look past everything that he has done, and still remain friends ???When really I just want to scream at him .. I m sure ill be told the usual your nice “but” …
That moment when you realize you have to let go of someone .yet theyl jus t move on and not even bother to look at or think about me.
Yet I know was there for him in his time of need,& ill just end up alone at square zero again. What to do .
Here I sit wondering .Thinking about so many things that are racing through my head .Realizing how everything that has happened , could have been prevented.
From the men Ive let in .To so much more . Im so much better and deserve better then any of this .I feel myself breaking and like my skin Is peeling off.Im disapointed in me .But yet I know im an overcomer and will survive.
So I just went out with a group of friends….Everything was fine. Had a really nice time .But. I got home around 2it was an average night .. I get home fall asleep …the phone rings ..
Conversation was as follows …meanwhile im groggy and still half assed asleep ..
Me -where are you
Him- babe im at midtowne spa
Me -mmmmmm..your calling me to tell me this because ?
Him-I love you ..
Me-youve ignored my calls and text for three days.
Him-im fd up I need you
Me -what did you take ?
Him-extacy, ice coke and everything
Me -call a taxi
At this point im enraged ..and hang up on him….This is supposed to be someone im interested in and that I thought I waa getting to know ..
He rings me again
I answer
Him -I love i love you
****then he starts balling crying over the phone at this point I new he was really messed up ****
All im thinking is why me ! This has happened to me twice already. Same situation…DIFFERENT GUYS
So me being the good hearted man that I am …end up telling him .Ill pick you up ..so at 4 am there i am in front of midtowne spa waiting …for my individual….he walks to the car bearly ….hes that messed up ..He even tries t o kiss me …
***mind you midtowne spa is a sex club *** so here it is 4 am now …I drove him from dallas to garland ….he did n othing but cry all the way home. …I just turned up the music the whole time …and he sat there apologizing to me blaming it on his mental illnes * same as the other one* im thinking really bitch your 29 & shou ld have self control….I got more and more enraged the last one I took care of him still afyer all this …this one I just dropped him off at home and called it a day ..
Now getting to why I wrote this …Why do I always attract men with issues .??
Ive taken care of every single type of gay man with issues …The one who was a whore, the crackhead, the selfish insecure one , the asswhole who did nothing but workout to make himself look better,the asswhole because he had money and felt like he could treat everyone like he wNted because of his money , the vein one ..Every type ..Ive had them. AND Im dumn enough to have still ” stayed ” with them.
Why can’t I just meet a normal healthy mentally and spiritual person .
I always get the broken ones that need fixed .
I cant be the fixer anymore its getting to me. .
I know perfect amd normal doesnt exist but wow ..a boy can only take so much …And yes all these bitches I took care of in the end didnt even thank me .We arent even friends ….single life sucks and dating is the pitts. ..but im still hopeful theres a descent person out there for me.
Maybe it’s because it is Valentines Day Weekend , Or the rainy weather that we seem to be having. But lately I have felt so lonely. Like Im fine when I am with people but alone it is a whole another different story. I’m happy for the most part but still craving my so called love, My ever after . I feel completely Isolated and lonely. I can’t explain it . Like I Just crave any human affection .I wonder if it is simply becuase of my manybad dating experiences. They have all ended in disaster. I have almost completely given up ever finding anyone out there. It seems I attract nothing but bad, either trashy , or there s just anything to go any further. Some have been nice, There just wasn’t enough. Maybe it is me or my expectations are probably to high.
Right now what I do wish I had is a group of friends . That
I can just hangout with and call on when I am lonely. I have found a few and that circle is slowly growing. It seems in gay culture it isn’t ok to be emotional or just be friends without sleeping with each other .
I seem to look for a reason in everything as you can see, Im a thinker and over analyze everything. I find it hard to deal with my loneliness. As I have gotten older my emotions seem to get the best of me. Today I just want to scream and cry and I can’t. Why has this feeling of loneliness invaded.
So as you all know ive always shared everything with you guys , well anyone out there who’s reading this .
But heres an update on mylife ,, My year long wait is over , I hadn’t been putting out as you all know for a while now , yEAH I KNOW Hoping : famed mr right was out there somewhere . But that didn’t happen. I guess you can say I caved in to temptation or just lost hope , one or the other . I know im only a man , and men are never perfection . Perfection is obsulete.. Or well misrepresented. Well this story is rather graphic about my first account , and how all i felt was awkward . Yes thats what I said Awkward . not satisfied, just awkward .
I met this guy using grindr ..
I had gotten bored one night and redownloaded it . for those of you not in the loop of what it is grindr is a location based app, you download load a profile on it and upload a picture and a little brief ” ABOUT ME ” Section .. So yeah I had been on the app before , but evertime I meet someone off it , It would be a disaster… Grndr is a famous ” HOOKUP ” site, it takes away any human connection it’s usually people flashing nothing but their junk in your inbox . I spend half the night blocking and deleting peoples pics..Leads me to really believe that ” good ” honest caring men aren’t out there. I think im becoming more jaded as I get older .. But people always have proven it for me ..
but still keep the of there is someone out there for me either way
Well back to my story anywho , Meet this guy he seemed really cute, I messaged him which is something out of the ordinary for me . I usually always wait for anyone to initiate contact. …But I couldn’t resist it . He was so cute, YES not showing his picture.
for (names of thoses involved ) ” andrew” _my favorite white boy name.. WELL he seemed perfectly charming and classy , which is hard to find. We went to this nice restaurant Had an awesome conversation
and we seemed to really hit if off together, I felt like I was talking to my long lost bestfriend it was that instant , and those who have read my blog in the past know how gaurded and distant I can be. I know in the past I’ve lost good men that wanted to be with me because of my own selfish insecurities * ive pushed them away * . But I fell into his gaze instantly , I had never felt that before or in a long long time, with anyone. It felt so good . And I wanted to once just believe it.. So to cut a story short ..dinnee , no drinks we were actually sober, no alcohol .. somehow I allowed myself to end up at his place,” he said movies ” as we were supposedly driving to starbucks . But yeah , I don’t want to get to graphic with all the details but before I knew it , my dick was in his mouth it felt good but after when I got home I satup all night thinking ” alonso what did you do ” it just felt .awkward to me Ive never had that feeling after sex,.. We then finished our deed we hugged and kissed and I left. So we talked for several weeks and saw each other several times then after weeks of talking and surprisingly those next times we meet nothing happened sexually ,, we meet for dinner then more movies several times …. then till a bout a month after talking ” we meet again then I Went over and serviced him . duh orally . Oral is all we have done…still saving myself “sortof”
Everything was fine afterwards , bu then I noticed the changes in him .. he stopped talking to me less and less.. the usual ” im not into you signs” then one day I noticed this fucker blocked me on the app we meet .. So i assumed we were over, but he continued talking to me afterwards like nothing happened , I confronted him and he flat out lied to me and said he hadn’t , He even seemed more interested in me again .. thinking maybe he deleted it and wanted something more serious; But of course , Me and my fault finding skills never let up . so I deleted the app again reinstalled it again .. and low and behold I was right , he was there, on the app still active .but we madeup after the confrontation , and all seems Well..
Deep down . I already can feel like it’s going to have an end . Even though I offered to open things up and told him flat out that If we did do a relationship I didn’t mind an open one …. I didn’t think we were there , or anything for that matter anyways…* you know me , don’t believe in labels* just respect and honesty .. I get the ” i like you ” story for now . from him.
But Have you guys ever felt like if it feels like there is going to be an end why do you start something ???? Truth Is I know I know im ignorant and probably know my answer ,but it seems that we want what we can’t have . Or a part of me is just wanting to keep the hope alive. But DONT WANT pretend.. Im all about honesty .. If you wanna be with me then tell me everyhthing . If you are only wanting to fuck me then tell me right off the back . If you are wanting to screw around with others Im fine , just dont play head games.. Why is that so hard for men to understand ???
so eitherway answer to my problem lies in grindr , Back to the grind I say its a like a addiction but in a way it’s also the solution.. iN THE Midst of all this , I started talking to another whom Im hopefully meeting this weekend. He seems really put together. ( i cant put all my eggs in one baskeT ) and dont know if the other one is just confused or unsure of what he really wants but well see how things go with the new friend. OTHER one for now is there but at a distance. 😉 , always shaking it off and moving forward . .letting go is something Ive learned to do very fast ,,,just like my girl taylor sais ” shake it off ” lol right
I still pray that my mr right is out there .
anyways tips and comments good bad whatevers appreciated
Ya casi ha pasado un año desde que te fuistes ..hay muncho que quisiera decirte ..
Primero que nada espero y estes bien disfrutando de tu nueva vida .Se que eres uno de los angeles que me a quidado de mucho mal..Te extraño mucho y hay mucho en mi corazòn y pecho dentro de mi que te quisiera decir .He pensado mucho en ti y ha veces me pregunto , si hise lo sufficiente .
No hay dia que hayga pasado que no pienso en ti .Cada vez que pienso en es como si fuera ayer ..el sentimiento y el dolor es el mismo .
Mis hermanos piensan que ni pienso en ti pero me acuerdo de ti y todos los dias ..hay algo que me dice que todavia estas entre nososotros mirandonos y cuidandonos.
Me acuerdo cuando mi hermano me dio la noticia de lo que tenias cancer .. El mundo sevme vino abajo .No hubo dia despues de ese instante que no estuvieras en mi pensamiento a todo momento .. pero claro nunca demuestro lo que soy y siento por dentro .Ya sabes como soy.
Se que te hice mal en la vida ..pero se que tu me perdonaste al igual que yo te he perdonado ..Me acuerdo como lloraste como niño cuando fui en mayo y me despide de ti ..hayi en ese instante supe que me amabas hal igual que yo a ti..llore todo el camino .Halgo dentro de mi sabia que seria la ultima vez que te miraria sano …..
Ahora eres quien mas admiro en la vida y quien mas quiero igualar.
Mire como amastes a mi mama ..Es el tipo de amor que yo quiero como el de mis padres , mire como tratabas a la gente como a pesar te admiraba todo mundo .Te precoraban por el tipo de hombre que eras , mire como nos sacastes adelante a mi y a mis hermanos apesar de estar como estabas. Mire como a pesar de todo me aceptaste como lo que era mas que el hijo gay tuyo . Eso es el tipo de hombre. Que quiero ser .Como tu papi.
Siempre fui “el rebelde”..Nunca le dije a nadie me vine a tejas por sentirme fracasado y por
cobarde por no verte sufrir..Un sentimiemto que todavia siento ..La misma razon que no me deja regresar para Kansas..Aun aunque aun estoy bien aqui tengo trabajo y me mantengo solo .Y en fin soy feliz .y ya se que no soy un fracazo.
Y si preguntas porque no he regresado , es porque no quiero entrar y no verte hay sentado en tu silla de ruedas esperando me. Es algo que no se como lo vaya tomar .Se que en fin lo tendre que hacer pero hay aver cuando dios me daralas fuerzas.
En fin papi perdoname si no fui el hijo que esperabas se que todavia tengo muncho que crecer..Te amo y se que nos volveremos a ver otra vez…estoy triste porque ya no estas pero ya era demasiado sufrimiento .se que ahora eres feliz .
I LOVE YOU Daddy donde quiera que estes.
It’s hard to put into words how I feel an have done for the last several years because I don’t completly understand it all myself my head is confused. Feelings of the past have invaded me ..Not to the point where I was back in high school..
Ive shared a lot about myself through this blog a lot about my feelings and emotions.But I find myself searching and struggling through my emotions. .Why am I so emotional ?
Todays blog is a story that ive hidden out of shame and it has comeback to me like an explosion that invades me . The reason being for this flashback is I just spent the last hour over the phone talking with a friend back home ..Who just lost his job.Hes 40 three kids and just lost his job and recently divorced last year ..I guess you can say he lost grip on reality ..After an hour of listening im exhausted and spent .I ended up calling 911for him .. and had him picked up .. Im now know hes ok and was checked in …to the psych unit
I cant say I blame him .. weve all lost touch with reality. And when shit piles up its like a wall of bricks being stacked that eventually will fall over and come crushing down ..
My sucide attempt was back in high school ..freshman year I had tucked it away and buried it inside of me.
I took the easy route I remember it like it was yesterday ..I had gotten home and was watching tv and after a whole day of being teased in school ..yea because I was gay …I never told anyone but people would spit inmy face as I was walking through hallways I was bullied heavily ..im glad its now an issue thats being looked into .. But back to my attempt * ill make it short * I just swallowed a whole bunch of pills hoping I would die .. But nope its not that easy.
I just kept on taking aleve till I coukdnt swallow . I remember going back to my room then just sitting down like nothing had happened … I remember starting to throw up uncontrolably after that . It was so bad my mother heard me and came running in . I was rushed to the er..all I still to this day cant remember the ambulance ride all I remember is waking up under the er room lights .. and thus begins the pumping of the stomach .The next time I woke up in my room ..Confused not knowing where I was . After that of course I was xferred to psych unit and spent three weeks then I did outpatient therapy ..I ts taken me a while to get to the point where I am in my life right now ..
Im now happy and content with things in my life ..regret that day in my life but wouldnt change it for anything ,so it amazes me that people dont value life..I was shocked that he would turn to me at a time like this ..but to any one out there struggling .There is hope and a future ahead… life should be valued, cherished and not taken for granted..No matter what obstacles you may have there is always a better route.
Sidenote 😉 not suicidal now if you know me .just relating my story to try to help someone out there. And this is something no one knows about ,guess not anymore .. if you need someone message me ..
Ever ask yourself that question ? I want to fall in love with someone who will________♡♥ ..Some would say its a silly question, but its a question with a lot of logic .I only asked this just because of a phone call I received last night … My one and only ex edmundo, it was a normal conversation ..Nothing out of the ordinary ..
How are you ?
How are the dogs, my dogies are the only good remnant from that relationship ..I can finally say im over him .3years later lol
I ended the conversation with this one simple question. Whats my favorite color ? Answer being green .
He just laughed and said goodnight & end of conversation.
That was our breakup question ..Yup well of course a lot if things leading up to it ..But I remember asking him and he didnt know ..He didnt even know my birthday .after five years being together .When I knew everything about him from his blood type down to the first day we meet , what he was wearing .everything and he didnt know that one simple thing.
That was the night I dumped him ..after the call I began to think of the type of person I would like to be with .. I thought to my self ..im not about them I want to love the person inside .. but
I also want some one who will
.Remember my birthday
Some one who will just hold me and not say anything
Some one who will know what my favorite color is “green”!
Someone who will make me laugh or laugh with me ..
Someone who will remember the weird eye thing I do when lie .. “I suck at lies”
Someone who will remember that I don’t like fish at all ..the smell of any fish makes me gag I dont even allow it in the house .
Someone who knows that my favorite food is tacos ( prefer that over a steakhouse im easy to please & cheap) lol
Someone who will remember that I can’t stand Kesha .*something about her voice
Someone who will remember that my favorite ice cream is butter pecan
Someone who will remember that I do sometimes snort when I laugh.
Someone wholl rember that im weird enough that I don’t like to mix foods ..weird but its just me..
Those are little things that a person should know about the person they are with..In other words my whole point to the thing .. Know who you are with ..inside and out .
And to all of you in crappy relationships
Ask him /her. Whats your favorite color ..if they dont know you may need to rethink the relationship ..
Yes ..thats right ! Going on 10 months no sex right now.no oral no nothing For many reasons ill talk about each of them individually ..
The less people you fuck with the better ..I found that the less people you deal with in your life the less stress you put your self through.
When it comes to the whole friends with benefits thing..emotions just get in the way . Whether its you or them emotions just creep up out of the blue , were only human .The need to be loved can sometimes be confused with lust ..
Conversations and the the things people say ..as demonstrated in the following video conversations like these can really mess up a dudes vibe ..id rather just not deal with people like those..think of me as the dude in the video . Even though im gay most gay men are basically females with a penis .. further to elaboraye they mean one thing when they say a whole another thing. And supposed to read between the lines dont think so .. just comeover if you mean it really
Next would be well.. .in the past sex has been easy to comebuy .. I was never really satisfied with the people that I was having sex with.. in other words I was hooking up with the wrong people ..if it wasn`t me it was them.There was always something. ..
Example – he smoked his breath of nothing but tar ..
Example- he had a weird mole
Example- he didnt get hard
Example-I didn`t get hard
Yes many excuses can be made up as to why a one nighter went bad. Im no angel ive had my fair share already ..ive always felt shitty after them, not good.
Further on .. I went through a very depressing period in my life after my father died I guess you can say i was tired or whatever.
So the final reason Well self feelings afterwards .. I thought to myself .. These men who literally came and raveged my body didnt deserve me at all..And I deserve better then this .So with this said . Yes im waiting for my love and will wait till he comes ..ill give it my best shot to recleanse myself..But im human who knows when ill finally give in or if I do .
Im not arguing , Im just explaining why im right !... 